


Dyad's Blessing, Dyad's Curse

by LieselSolo



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo Lives, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Emotional Hurt, F/F, F/M, Gen, Ghosts, Guilt, Kylo Ren Redemption, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Redemption, Regret, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, not necessarily reylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24498043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieselSolo/pseuds/LieselSolo
Summary: AU. Ben survives Exegol against his will, meaning that he is forced to live with the guilt of everything he's done and he and Rey have to work out what it means to exist as a dyad. Meanwhile, Finn and Poe are trying to rebuild the Republic and they wonder if they can still trust Rey now that she is spending so much time with Ben. Also, Jannah and Finn might learn who their parents are, there might be a romance between Jannah and Rose, and there will be a lot of angst.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & Han Solo, Finn & Ben Solo, Finn & Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Jannah/Rose Tico, Lando Calrissian & Ben Solo, Lando Calrissian & Jannah, Leia Organa & Ben Solo & Han Solo, Leia Organa & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron & Finn, Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 41
Kudos: 45





	1. Saving Ben

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own Star Wars, everyone knows that. And yeah, why am I writing a Ben-survives AU when there are a million and one of them already? Well, before TROS came out, I knew there was a big possibility that Ben would die, but I thought there would be a whole lot of potential with him having to LIVE with what he did. There’s also a whole lot of potential to be had with Rey and Ben having to exist as a dyad, so yeah. This fic idea won’t leave me alone, so I’m writing it.
> 
> Also, just so we’re clear, this WON’T be the standard “Rey and Ben live happily ever after” fixfic. Even with Ben redeeming himself, they’d still have a LOT of issues to get through, so if you’re looking for a fic full of Reylo fluff, look elsewhere – you’ll definitely find plenty of those.

“Ben . . .”

He gazed down at her with those brown eyes, the eyes she had seen countless times before, but now it felt different. Now she felt no rage, no instability, just . . . peace. 

_Light._

Only then did she realize that he had saved her, brought her back from . . . where? Where had she been? She couldn’t remember, but now she was _back._ Back because of him.

Reflexively, she grabbed his face and pulled him into a kiss. Her first kiss, maybe his too, but he responded as if they’d kissed a hundred times. Energy flowed between them, linking them, as if sealing them as a dyad.

Once she pulled out of the kiss, she saw his smile.

Though the Force had been linking them for well over a year, she’d never seen him smile. She might have even thought him incapable of the action, but there his smile was – beautiful, relaxed, as if a great burden had finally been lifted.

But then the smile vanished, and Rey felt a disturbance in the Force crash on her like a tidal wave.

Something was wrong . . .

“NO!” she screamed as his body fell backwards to the cold ground. “NO!” Again without thinking, she thrust her hand onto his chest, pouring her energy into him as he had done to her moments ago. He couldn’t die . . . not now . . . he _wouldn’t_ die . . .

She felt his hand weakly gripping her wrist. “Rey . . .” he gasped out in a soft, raspy voice “. . . don’t. It’s okay . . .”

“No, it’s NOT okay!” She squeezed her eyes shut, concentrating all her focus on letting her energy pour into him, ignoring how it made her head spin and her lungs gasp for air. He _wouldn’t_ die, he _would_ live as Ben Solo again, this _wouldn’t_ be the end . . .

She collapsed on top of him.

. . .

Rey awoke in someone’s arms, but that was all her mind processed beyond the soreness that spread throughout her body. She felt like she could fall back into unconsciousness in mere seconds, maybe she even wanted to. Yes . . . go out . . . forget the pain . . .

“Rey? Rey, are you awake?”

The voice . . . it sounded familiar . . .

Finn!

Her eyes opened to blurs, but her nose recognized the dusty, lived-in smell of the Falcon. “Finn?” It hurt her throat just to utter that one word.

“Rey!” Finn exclaimed, squeezing her closer to him as a joyful sob escaped his mouth. “What went on down there? I mean, you were _dead,_ but then you weren’t, and then you passed out . . .”

 _Dead_ . . . the word triggered memories of what had happened before . . .

“Ben!” she exclaimed. “Where is he? Is he all right??” 

Finn’s voice lowered. “He’s in custody.”

“I need to see him.” Rey blinked rapidly, fiercely trying to bring his face into focus.

“Rey, I don’t think that’s a good . . .”

“He won’t hurt me,” said Rey. “He _saved_ me.”

Finn sighed. “All right.” 

He carried her down the Falcon’s hall to the sick bay, where Ben lay unmoving on the bed, his face bruised and battered, an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. As Finn gently placed her on the seat next to the bed, she gripped his hand, which was unresponsive but the skin was pliable and semi-warm, showing that he was alive. She quickly reached out with her senses and yes, that familiar Force-signature was there, weak but _there._

“Will he be all right?” Still her voice was raspy and her throat sore.

“Don’t ask me – I’m no doctor,” said Finn. “But . . . Rey, what did he _do_ exactly?”

Rey took a deep breath. Filling her lungs with air felt good despite the pain. “Remember what I did to the serpent in the cave? He did that to me – and then I did it back to him.”

“Wait, wait,” said Finn, gripping her shoulder. “Are you saying you can _bring people back from the dead_ with the Force??”

“I don’t think you can normally,” said Rey, looking into his eyes, “but he and I . . . there’s a _connection_ between us, it’s called being a _dyad_ in the Force.” She gulped – how could she explain this when she didn’t fully understand it herself? “I think it started when Snoke linked our minds, but I don’t think he meant for us to link like _this.”_

Finn stared at her, blinking as if he wasn’t sure whether or not to believe her. “So, what does it mean exactly? It’s something more than just you two appearing to each other – which is really weird in itself?”

“Yes,” said Rey. She rested her head against Finn’s chest, letting him wrap his arms around her, giving her that embrace that always made her feel safe despite whatever might be happening. “He called it ‘two that are one.’ I think . . . I think our _souls_ are connected, not just our minds.”

She heard him gulp. “Your soul linked . . . with _his?_ I don’t . . . I don’t know what to say. Is there a way to undo it?”

“I don’t know.” Then it occurred to her that she had never thought about splitting the connection or even wondered if it could be done. Why was that?

“Maybe Luke’s books have something about this dyad thing,” said Finn.

“Maybe,” Rey repeated.

“Rey, listen,” said Finn, pulling out of the embrace only enough to look into her eyes, “if he hurts you in any way, physically, emotionally, I don’t care, you tell me.”

“He won’t.”

“Well forgive me if I’m not so sure about that.”

“He saved me.”

“And killed his dad, and ordered me and others to kill innocent villagers, and took over the galaxy, and tried to kill _both_ of us over and over, and invaded your mind and Poe’s mind . . .”

“I know, I know,” said Rey, putting her hand on his chest. “Finn, I don’t expect you or anyone else to forgive him.” 

Finn gulped again, looking over Rey’s shoulder at Ben’s unconscious body. “But Leia died trying to reach him . . .” He said it as if he were trying to make sense of the whole thing.

Rey winced, a sudden rush of dizziness overtaking her head. “Could I . . . could I have some water?”

“Of course,” said Finn. “I’ll be right back.”

Once Finn left, Rey ran her hand through Ben’s sweat-drenched hair. “You’ll get through this, Ben. You’ll wake up soon and show everyone that you’ve left Kylo Ren behind . . . right?”


	2. Family Encounters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, ghostly visits, I love ghostly visits. And yes, I took shameless inspiration from Zuko and Iroh's reunion in Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Ben didn’t know where he was, but he knew that he liked it.

He was lying on some soft surface – it felt like a grassy field, but it didn’t make his skin itch like grass usually did. A warm, gentle breeze brushed his face, letting him smell the flowery air. He almost felt like he was floating in a big soft bed, inviting him to drift off into a peaceful sleep. 

If this was death, it wasn’t so bad.

“Hey, buddy.”

That voice. Whether young and fit or old and raspy, Ben knew it anywhere. He knew it on Starkiller Base, he knew it on Endor, he knew it here, but he didn’t yet want to open his eyes . . .

“Ben, come on, pretending to be asleep didn’t work when you were a kid and it doesn’t work now.” That voice was female and as intimately familiar as the first voice.

Finally Ben opened his eyes, finding himself staring into the faces of his parents, glowing in the moonlight under a sky full of stars. 

“Ben,” said Han, reaching down and touching him on that same cheek, that same touch he’d felt before his father died, after his mother died.

What could he say? “I’m sorry you both died because of me”? “What do I do now that I’m dead”?

He ended up not saying anything – instead his parents pulled him up into a sitting position and wrapped him up into a tight hug, perhaps the tightest hug he’d felt in years. Instantly his eyes filled with tears. How . . . how could they hug him like this after all he’d done? After he’d killed his father and just as well as killed his mother? How could he be feeling so much _love_ radiating off of them?

“Why?” he choked out before sobs overtook him.

“It’s all right, son,” said Han, patting his son’s back. “Let it all out.”

“We’re here, sweetheart,” said Leia. “We’re _always_ here.”

They remained in the embrace for what might have been minutes or might have been hours, tears pouring out of Ben’s eyes like a river. 

“How?” he choked out when his voice was little more than a rasp. “How can you act like nothing happened? You’re both dead _because of me!_ ” At least he was dead with them. The galaxy would remember him as a heartless monster, but that was what he deserved – it was what he _was,_ after all.

And Rey was alive.

Leia pulled out of the embrace, staring at him with those strong brown eyes. “Ben, you’ve made a lot of mistakes, but one of the biggest ones was thinking you were alone. You’ve _never_ been alone.”

“You sent me away.”

The words came out instantly, abruptly, without any thought, but once they were out, they hung in the air, reminding Ben of all the nights he lay awake desperately wishing his parents would come back for him, feeling like a punch in the gut even now. He _shouldn’t_ still be upset about it . . . he _shouldn’t . . ._

Now Han pulled out of the embrace, looking like he too was about to break down crying. Ben swallowed – he knew all too well how much his father had fought against sending him away, though he had relented in the end. “Ben . . .” Han said, “I missed you every damn day you were gone.”

Gone. Ben couldn’t help but wonder if his father meant gone off to Luke’s Jedi Temple or gone to the dark side. Maybe both.

Leia swallowed, gazing into her son’s eyes. “Ben . . . I wish we had done things differently. If we’d all just stayed together, maybe . . .” She trailed off.

Ben reached over and touched his mother’s cheek. “But . . . we’re together _now._ Even with everything that happened when we were alive, we’re together now and we never have to be separated again.”

Suddenly Han and Leia gave each other awkward looks, as if Ben had said something embarrassing. Was it taboo for the dead to speak about how they used to be alive? If so, how was Ben supposed to know that when he’d only just died?

“What?” he asked.

Han cocked his head. “Son,” he said, running his hand through Ben’s hair, “you’re not dead.”

. . .

The Falcon touched down in the midst of celebration. Rey and Finn descended the ramp to find Poe already waiting for them. Aside from his injured arm, he didn’t seem to be in bad shape. Within seconds, the three of them were wrapped up in a group hug. It felt surreal, almost, like this was a day Rey hadn’t seriously expected to happen. She squeezed Finn and Poe as if she’d never let go, tears of happiness welling up in her eyes and lifting her heart.

But then the lump returned to her throat when she saw Ben’s stretcher hovering away in the distance, Lando and Chewie guiding it with grim looks on their faces. Why hadn’t he woken up? He’d poured all his energy into her, but she’d poured a good portion of her energy back into him and she felt all right now. She’d slept through most of the flight back and woken up feeling almost normal physically, but Ben’s condition was unchanged.

“Excuse me,” she said, pulling out of the embrace.

“Rey, no,” said Finn, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“Finn, it’s all right, I’m just going to check on him.”

“Check on who?” asked Poe.

Finn looked back at Poe. “Who do you _think?_ Who’s she been having weird Force-linked conversations with?”

“Wait, _Kylo Ren’s_ here??”

“That’s not his name anymore,” said Rey. “And yes, he’s here, but he’s comatose.”

“And why didn’t anyone tell me this?” Poe exclaimed.

“Well we’re telling you now,” said Finn before turning back to Rey. “Look, Rey, whatever this weird dyad connection thing between you is . . .”

“Dyad connection thing??” Poe exclaimed, his eyes bulging. “What?”

Rey took a deep breath. “I’ll explain later, but look, if you two want to come with me to check on him, you’re welcome to do so.” With that, she turned and headed in the direction of the medical ward without waiting for a response from either of them. However, just as she predicted, she could sense them following her.

. . .

The medical ward was full of wounded Resistance soldiers in various states of seriousness on the different beds, being treated by various medical droids. Some were sleeping or maybe unconscious, some were crying out in pain as their wounds were being worked on, others were just staring into space. Rey swallowed, saying a silent prayer to whoever might be listening that they would all make full recoveries.

Ben was lying on a bed in the very back of the room, being looked over by Doctor Kalonia herself, with Lando and Chewie engaged in conversation with her.

“I guess there’s no point in asking when or if he’ll ever wake up?” Lando was asking.

The doctor sighed. “I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with him. His vitals are stable and while he’s rather badly injured, it’s not his injuries that are causing this. By all logic, he should wake up right now.” She looked up, smiling when she noticed the trio approaching. “And here are the heroes of the day!”

“Thank you, doctor,” said Poe, “but the _real_ heroes are the ordinary people who flew in to fight against Palpatine. Many of them gave their lives in the battle.”

“Yes,” said Finn, “in fact, I think we should have a memorial service for everyone who gave their lives in this war.”

The doctor nodded at them. “I think that’s a great idea.”

“Yes,” said Rey, “let’s do it,” though she was unable to take her eyes off of Ben. “Heroes of the day,” Doctor Kalonia said, but she didn’t feel like a hero at all. If anything, she was the reason why Ben was in this state. She gently brushed her finger over his still hand, already knowing that one of the _true_ heroes of the day wouldn’t be honored at any services the Resistance might give.


	3. Wishing for Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads-up, this chapter deals with SUICIDE, so read with caution if you’re triggered by such things. I’m going with the idea that Ben _wanted_ to die on Exegol, so yeah.
> 
> Also, according to Wookieepedia, Lando had a daughter who was taken by the First Order (Wookieepedia didn’t have the daughter’s name, so I made something up). If you’ve read my fic “We Had Each Other,” you’ll notice some similarities here.

“No, no, no no no,” Ben muttered to himself as he leapt to his feet. He leaned against a nearby tree in an attempt to ease the spinning in his head, but it did little to help. “No, she wasn’t supposed to do that, she WASN’T!”

“Well you did it to her,” said Han. “What would you expect?”

“I told her NOT to!” Ben punched the tree – the pain it brought to his knuckles actually felt good.

Han sighed. “Well, she’s as stubborn as you are.”

Familiar rage was building up inside Ben, tightening his chest, but rage at who? Rey? Himself? Palpatine? Maybe it didn’t even matter. “I told her not to,” he repeated through his teeth, “why didn’t she just LISTEN to me??”

“Because she cares about you,” Leia said matter-of-factly. “Like you care about her.”

“If she _really_ cared about me, she’d have let me die.” Ben punched the tree again – a childish act, maybe, but he needed to punch _something._ “Does she think I gave her all my energy because I wanted to _live?”_

“Son, don’t talk like that,” Han began.

Ben whirled around to face his parents, hot, angry tears building in his eyes. “Don’t talk like that?? DON’T TALK LIKE THAT??” His breath came out in quick, enraged pants. “In that world, Ben Solo doesn’t exist, he _can’t_ exist! In that world, I’m a monster, I’m a _murderer!”_

“Ben . . .” Leia began.

“No!” Ben interrupted. “Neither of you can _possibly_ understand what it would be like back there! You think I can just tell everyone that I saved Rey and then it will be all forgive and forget?? You think _I_ can just forgive and forget _myself??_ You think everything I’ve done won’t still haunt me every night??”

Both his parents just stared at him as if struck silent. Of course they were. Deep down, it was _impossible_ for them to understand no matter how hard they tried.

Then he noticed something beyond them. A grassy cliff, below which was a body of water shimmering in the moonlight. Maybe a lake, maybe an ocean, did it matter? If this was inside his head, it could be whatever body of water he wanted – it could be Kamino if he wanted.

With hardly any thought, Ben stripped down to his underwear, tossing his clothes on the ground and ignoring his parents asking what he was doing. He further ignored them calling his name as he shot off running towards the cliff as fast as he could, the grass chilling his bare feet.

Once he reached the cliff, he jumped.

There was only a second of plunging through the air before the water swallowed him up, its skin pricking his body like knives. He sank, sank, sank, the moon becoming nothing more than a tiny wavy disc as the water filled his burning lungs. Something inside him was screaming _swim, swim, get out of the water,_ but he forced himself to ignore it, even as the water started to feel like weights slowly crushing his chest.

Any moment now . . . go out . . . go out . . . _go out!_

Then he noticed that the moon was getting bigger.

No! He tried to swim back to the bottom only to find that he couldn’t move. He was helpless as his body curved upwards, floating towards the surface . . .

His mouth sucked in a reflexive gasp as his body broke through the surface. The next thing he knew, the waves pushed him onto the sand, leaving him on his hands and knees, choking out water, his head throbbing and his body shivering. 

“Ben,” Leia said, “do you think Rey wants you to throw your life away after she saved you?”

He felt her wrap a towel around him and help him to his feet. The questions of where she got the towel from and how she got to the bottom of the cliff so quickly only vaguely passed through his head, but then he figured that since she was dead and this was apparently his subconscious, it shouldn’t be too difficult to get a towel. Maybe she could just pull it out of thin air.

At first, the coughing and choking prevented him from speaking, but even when he gained enough breath to speak, he couldn’t think of anything to say besides _Why can’t I die?_

“Kid,” said Han, patting his son’s back, “killin’ yourself ain’t gonna fix things. Here or there, you’re _still_ gonna have to face yourself.”

“I can’t wake up,” Ben gasped. “I _won’t_ wake up.”  
. . .

Rey hadn’t wanted to attend the celebration, but Finn and Poe insisted that the one who defeated Palpatine should be there. So she attended, she talked to people, she ate from the gigantic feast, she listened to the music, but she felt like she was sleepwalking through the whole thing. Part of her kept reaching back to the medical ward only to sense that there was no change in Ben’s condition.

It was hours before she could get away from the festivities and return to the medical ward, where Ben lay the same as before. His heart monitor gave that steady beep, beep, beep that at least let her know that he was alive and the tube stuck in his arm would at least make sure he was fed, but for how long?

“I want him to wake up too.”

Rey looked up and there was Lando, staring down at Ben like he was his own child, his eyes glistening in the light. 

“I’m serious,” he said, even though Rey hadn’t disputed his claim. “Kid used to call me Uncle Lando. I used to take him out to places like the zoo or the holocinema, we’d have a ball. When I heard that he’d gone dark side, I just . . . well, I couldn’t believe it.” He looked up at Rey. “He played with my daughter, too – back before the First Order took her.”

“Your daughter?”

“Yeah. My little Ava. First Order took her when she was only two and I never saw her again.” He swallowed. “Guess that was the start of the First Order tearing our little family apart. They tore apart a lot of families, I guess.”

Rey took a deep breath, feeling the sorrow that he usually tried to cover up radiating off of him. “Maybe some of those families can be reunited.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Finn, Jannah and her tribe, the stormtroopers who were taken prisoner, other stormtroopers spread around the galaxy, maybe their families are still looking for them. What if we started a program of some kind to reunite them with their families?” She forced herself to give a small smile. “Maybe we’d even find your Ava.”

Lando actually smiled back. “I gave up hope a long time ago, but if there’s a chance, I’d be all for it.” He looked back down at Ben. “And maybe he’d even help us . . . maybe.”


	4. In Memorium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Rey's starting to have flashbacks to the things Kylo did and they'll probably only get worse. My friend idrilhadhafang shared the idea of Rose and Jannah becoming friends/possible lovers and for some reason I loved the idea even though they never interact in the movie, so we'll see how that develops.

The memorial service was held two nights later in a large, grassy field not far from the Resistance base. Hundreds of lit candles were scattered throughout the field and next to each one sat a holo of someone who had fallen in the war. Rey found herself gulping at the sight – it looked like a night sky densely populated with little yellow stars. In fact, the actual body count was much higher than the number of candles – they had decided that, as a matter of practicality, the Hosnian system should only get one candle.

The holos and candles for Han, Leia, and Luke sat at her feet, already decked with flowers left by various Rebels, the faces in the holos glowing in the dancing yellow light. Rey knelt down, staring at the faces in reverence. It looked like the trio had been laid to rest together, though of course that wasn't the case. Luke and Leia's bodies had faded away and Han's body had been destroyed with Starkiller Base. Maybe in a way they were still laid to rest together in the sense that none of their bodies had been laid to rest at all.

And in one way or another, all three of them had sacrificed their lives for Ben.

Then there was that twitch in her senses.

Why _now?_ Rey gritted her teeth, slowly looking to the side, and there was Ben lying still-comatose on the grass, still hooked up to machines she couldn't see. The bruises on his face had turned a sickly shade of purple by now – did that mean they were healing or getting worse? She let out a long sigh. Was she supposed to talk to him now?

"Hey, Ben," she said awkwardly. "You probably can't hear me, so I don't know why we linked up now. Then again, has there _ever_ been any rhyme or reason to when we linked?" She turned back to look at the memorials – there was something unsettling about him lying on the grass. "Well, we're having a memorial service for those who died in the war right now." Why was she describing it when he probably couldn't even hear her? "In fact, we're right next to the holos of your parents and your uncle."

Then it shot into her head. The fiery lightsaber activating, piercing Han's chest, his lifeless body falling into the dark shaft . . .

Her breath shortened as she glanced from Ben to the holos and back again. All three had given their lives for Ben, all three were dead because of Ben.

The lump in her throat grew harder as she rose to her feet and strode among the candles, reading name after name above the holos. Leia Organa. Han Solo. Luke Skywalker. Admiral Ackbar. Vice-Admiral Holdo. Nien Nunb. Snap Wexley. Paige Tico. On and on the holos went, each showing the face of someone whose life had been cut short.

So much death . . .

Once she returned to the holos of Leia, Han, and Luke, she sank back to the ground and found that Ben hadn't vanished yet. "The least you could do to honor their sacrifices is wake up," she found herself muttering under her breath. The holo of Han seemed to be grinning directly at his son, which for some reason made her chest tighten even harder. "You said you didn't hate you father, but you would never give me a direct answer when I asked why you killed him. If you won't wake up for yourself, then at least wake up for _him!"_

Then her mind's eye saw another holo sitting by a candle – one that by all logic, _should_ be here.

Her own face.

A sharp chill rushed through her body. She _had_ been a casualty of the war – the only reason her holo _wasn't_ here was because of Ben. She looked again at his still body and something compelled her to pluck a small yellow flower from one of the bouquets left by the trio's holos. "Here, Ben," she whispered, gently placing the flower in his hand. Whoever had placed the bouquet probably wouldn't want one of the flowers to be used this way, but the flowers belonged to Ben's family now, and _they_ would undoubtedly approve of giving him one.

. . .

"Hey, Paige," said Rose, arranging the flowers she had brought to her sister's candle and holo. "Well, guess what, we did it. I wish you were here to see it happen, but you helped to bring freedom back to the galaxy." She gulped down a sob as she ran her finger over the crescent pendant she still wore. "I miss you. I know it's been over a year, but I still miss you."

"Is that your sister?"

Rose turned around and there was Jannah, the candlelight giving her skin and hair a certain glow. "Yes," she stammered. Why was Jannah talking to her? It wasn't like they knew each other real well.

"I heard she died taking down a First Order Dreadnaught," Jannah continued. "You must be proud of her."

"I am," said Rose, "but . . . well . . . I'd rather have her alive."

Janna twisted her mouth in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I don't know what it's like to have a sister or a brother – or _parents,_ for that matter."

"No, you weren't insensitive," said Rose, turning back to the holo of her sister. "She'd probably be thrilled to meet you if she were here. I mean, when she heard about how Finn had left the First Order, she told me that was a real hero. She'd probably say the same about you."

Jannah shrugged. "I don't feel much like a hero when I see all these candles. Maybe if my tribe and I had joined the Resistance earlier, a few of these candles wouldn't be here. I mean, what did we do after we mutinied? We hid. That's not very heroic."

Rose gulped. "Finn tried to hide too. In fact, when I first met him face-to-face, he was about to fly off in an escape pod to protect Rey. I felt like my hero had betrayed me when I saw him do that, but then later on I saw him take down Captain Phasma and try to sacrifice himself for the Resistance . . . I guess what I'm saying is . . . heroes have flaws too."

"You sound like you have a crush on him."

Rose shrugged. "There was a time when I thought I did, but it didn't last long. Just one of those wide-eyed girl crushes that doesn't go anywhere."

The two gazed down at Paige's holo for several moments before Jannah broke the silence again. "Speaking of Finn, he told me that Rey had this idea to start a program to help the surviving stormtroopers find their families."

Rose felt a smile creep into her face despite the situation. "That's wonderful! Maybe you'll find out who your parents are."

"Maybe . . ." Jannah sounded less enthusiastic than Rose would have thought she'd be.

"Isn't that what you want?" Rose cocked her head in confusion.

"I don't know, honestly. My whole life I thought I'd _never_ know my family and I kind of, you know, accepted that. Stormtroopers – they're not supposed to _have_ families. My tribe is the closest thing I've ever had to a family and even that's not the same thing as having parents." She gazed back down at Paige's holo. "Maybe I even have brothers or sisters that I've never met, but would we even _like_ each other if we met?"

Rose wasn't sure how to answer.

"I don't even know my real _name,"_ Jannah continued, seemingly talking to herself as much as she was talking to Rose. "I chose the name Jannah for myself after we mutinied and I've _been_ Jannah for years. If I learn my real name, will it even feel like _me?"_

Rose wondered how the former stormtrooper would react if she touched her shoulder. Then she wondered why she thought about touching Jannah's shoulder in the first place. Maybe because she seemed so _vulnerable_ right now, and even though Rose didn't know her very well, she could guess that Jannah didn't show her vulnerable side often.

"I think your parents will understand if you still want to be Jannah," she said with a slight awkwardness in her voice.

"What makes you so sure?"

"I'm not sure," said Rose, "but since they spent so many years not knowing where you were or what the First Order was making you do, a little thing like what your name is won't be a big issue." She smiled at Jannah. "They'll just be so relieved to find you again."


	5. Nightmares

Do no harm.

Doctor Kalonia repeated the oath she’d taken long ago to herself as she went to check Kylo Ren’s vitals. Do no harm. No matter who the patient was, no matter how many atrocities he committed, even if he committed _patricide,_ she was still sworn by her oath to do no harm.

She took a deep breath, remembering how she had cared for Leia when she was pregnant with Kylo, how they would laugh together and talk about how amazing the baby was going to be. She had given the sonogram that revealed his gender – as soon as she told his parents, Han had said “I guess namin’ him Han Solo Junior is out of the question?” and everyone got a laugh out of it. 

Do no harm.

Even though her patient would obviously never take such an oath.

She could easily just pull the feeding tube out of his arm and that would be that – no one would ever know she was the one who did it. He might not even feel it. Or even better, she could give him a lethal injection. Would anyone really care enough to perform an autopsy on one of the most merciless beings in the galaxy? It might even be a more merciful death than whatever the Resistance would decide for him if he ever woke up.

Do no harm.

She was there when Leia gave birth – though she didn’t participate in the actual delivery, Leia had specifically wanted her around to give her care and emotional support. She remembered gushing over the adorable chubby little baby with the downy black hair. Black hair that was now bunched up in sweaty clumps on the pillow.

Do no harm.

Leia had given her life for him. She owed it to Leia to keep him alive no matter how many innocent lives he had ended.

Do no harm.

She was a doctor. Her duty was to preserve life, not end it. She wasn’t a killer like Kylo Ren.

Do no harm.

As she changed the patient’s feeding bag, she noticed a tiny yellow flower cupped in his still fingers. Who the hell could have put that there and why hadn’t she noticed it before? It was like it had just _appeared._

Well, she might as well put it some water when she was finished. It could sit on the table next to Kylo’s bed and bring a bit of cheer to the area.

Do no harm. 

. . .

Ben was throwing rocks into the lake as the sun started rising over the water, making sparkles dance on the surface. How long were the days and nights here, anyway? If this was all inside his mind, maybe he could make the sun rise and set whenever he wanted.

His parents were still watching him from further up the beach, not speaking. In fact, they hadn’t spoken since they’d fetched him his clothes. What more was there to say? They’d try to convince him to wake up and he’d refuse to do so. Now they just stared at him like the ghosts they were. Ghosts, but they looked alive and felt solid when they touched him. Whatever, anything could happen in his subconscious, right? 

Except that he apparently couldn’t kill himself here.

“Don’t you two have something to do?” he muttered.

“Yeah,” said Han, “help you.”

“Help me _what?”_ Ben shouted as he threw another stone as far as he could, making a satisfying splash. “Help me go back to a world that despises me? Help me relive everything I’ve done every time someone so much as _looks_ at me? Help me be a tainted soul for the rest of my life?” He grabbed the biggest stone he could reach and thrust it into the lake. “If you really want to _help_ me, you’ll leave me alone.”

“Ben, _no one_ is leaving you alone!” Leia said in that authoritative voice of hers. 

Ben whirled around to face his parents. “Well if I wake up, that’s what I’ll be. _Alone_. At least here there’s something that resembles peace.”

“What about Rey?” asked Han.

“What _about_ her? She’ll move on and live her life. She’s better off without me anyway.”

“She didn’t save you so you could remain in a coma, kid.”

“Well I didn’t _ask_ her to save me, did I?” Finally Ben stormed up to his parents, fury building up in him like it always did. “I didn’t ask for _any_ of this! I never asked for nightmares I couldn’t escape or voices in my head or for a Sith Lord to choose me as his apprentice or to be linked up with someone else in a Force bond neither of us wanted!”

Leia and Han just stared at him again, as if even in death they couldn’t comprehend what he had gone through.

Ben felt his eyes welling up. “If I could return _you_ to _your_ lives, I’d do it. I’d even give you another child who was _normal.”_

“Ben, don’t talk like that,” said Leia.

“Why _not?”_ shouted Ben. “If you’d had a _normal_ child, the galaxy wouldn’t have fallen like it did.”

“You don’t know that, son,” said Han, putting his hand on his son’s shoulder. “Palpy probably would’ve just picked someone else for his apprentice.”

“Maybe,” said Ben, “but at least _your_ lives wouldn’t have been ruined!”

With that, he broke down crying, collapsing against his father’s chest, that broad chest he’d rested on after many a nightmare. Again his parents wrapped their arms around him as if trying to protect him from his demons.

“We love _you,_ Ben,” Leia murmured. “That theoretical other child wouldn’t have been _you.”_

. . .

_“No . . . NO!”_

Finn’s eyes shot open in the dark, his half-asleep mind unsure if he’d heard the screams or dreamed them. He took a deep breath, listening for any further screaming, but only hearing Poe snoring from the other end of their shared bunker. His rational side told him that he had just been dreaming and that he should go back to sleep. 

But the screams had felt so _real_ . . .

“Poe!” he hissed in a sharp whisper. “Poe, wake up!”

Poe groaned sleepily. “Mmm . . . whatsup Finn?”

“Did you hear Rey screaming?”

“Rey . . . no . . . didn’t hear anything . . . did you?”

Finn gulped. “I thought I did.”

“Probably a dream . . .”

“Maybe, but I’m still going to check on her. Do you know where she sleeps?”

“Mph . . . the Falcon, maybe . . . yeah, think she’s been sleeping there since Exegol . . .” With that, Poe’s words dissolved back into snores, but that was all the information Finn needed. He slid out of bed and tiptoed out of the room, not caring that he was in pajamas. A little embarrassment didn’t matter if Rey needed help.

. . .

Outside, Finn shivered in the nighttime air, wishing he knew how to get rid of the feeling that something was wrong. Maybe he was just on edge because Kylo Ren was here and could wake up any moment and then . . . who knew what would happen? Even if he saved Rey, that wasn’t proof that he’d renounced the dark side for good.

He felt like an intruder when he reached the Falcon and pushed the button to lower the ramp. For that matter, why wasn’t it locked? If Han were alive, _he_ probably would have kept the Falcon locked up at night. He made his way up the ramp and into the darkened ship. Was Rey here? He didn’t have anything to go on except Poe’s word.

Poe’s word and a feeling.

“No . . . no . . . NO!”

And now it was no longer a feeling or a dream – that was _definitely_ real. Finn went running down the hall, finding that the screams were coming from the captain’s quarters. Thank the Force that the door wasn’t locked. He turned on the light and found her trembling in the bed, the covers twisted around her body, her face glistening with sweat.

“Rey!” he shouted, rushing up to the bed, and gently shaking her shoulder. “Rey, wake up! Wake up!”

It took her several moments to open her eyes and once she did, she could only look up at him as her breath came out in rapid pants. “Finn?” she finally gasped out. 

“Rey, are you all right?”

Rey swallowed, pushing herself to a sitting position, never looking away from him and revealing that she was wearing only a well-worn t-shirt. “Just a dream, that’s all.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

Rey swallowed again, leaning into his chest as if he was the source of gravity. “I was back on the interrogation table . . . he was invading my mind again . . .” A sob escaped her lips as Finn wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her close to him. “H-he forced me to relive my parents leaving over and over again . . .”

Finn found himself planting a kiss on her head. “It’s all right, it was just a dream . . .”

“But it _wasn’t!”_ Rey sobbed. “It _really happened!”_

What could Finn say? He couldn’t tell her that it didn’t happen, nor could he reassure her that Kylo Ren had changed his ways since he wasn’t sure about that himself. 

“Why am I _still_ dreaming about it?” she whispered.

“Because he hurt you in a horrible way,” said Finn. “And I mean it – a _horrible_ way. Poe sometimes gets nightmares about _his_ interrogation too.”

He expected her to bring up that Kylo was supposedly light side now, but no, she just kept crying into his chest. Maybe even she was having doubts about Kylo, but would it be right for Finn to encourage those doubts? Why didn’t he have an answer?

“Do you want me to stay?” he finally asked.

Rey pulled out of the embrace, wiping her eyes as she managed a small nod.

“All right.”

After turning off the light, they untangled the covers and Finn climbed into bed next to Rey, trying to ignore the slightly awkward feeling building up in him. After all, he and Rey were _in bed together_ – if people found out about this there might be rumors starting. For that matter, Poe was probably going to notice that Finn didn’t return to their bunker and start asking questions. 

“Thanks,” Rey murmured.

“No problem.” Finn smiled at her even though she wouldn’t see it in the dark. “And if you dream about it again, remember it’s in the past.”

“Yes . . .” said Rey, though there was some hesitation in her voice, “. . . it’s in the past.”


	6. Chained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: rant ahead. It drives me NUTS when Reylo shippers make excuses out the ass for the mind-rape scene and even go so far as to call it ROMANTIC. And yes, my name for that scene is purposeful - it is METAPHORICAL _RAPE._ He _violates_ her mind and says some honestly creepy things while doing so ("I can take whatever I want" - seriously, how is that NOT rapey?). 
> 
> Also, when people think dyad = TWU LUV! Not only was their Force bond created by Snoke, but neither of them can get out of it. They are FORCED to be linked together. So yeah, taking away free will isn't my idea of OH IT'S SO ROMANTIC!

The morning lights in the Falcon’s captain’s quarters turned on automatically, but Rey kept her eyes closed and ignored them, wanting to just lie here for a little while longer and listen to Finn’s gentle sleep breathing. She squeezed his hand, which was resting on her stomach. How _comfortable_ she felt with him.

She lay there for an unknown amount of time, lingering between sleep and wakefulness . . .

_“I can take whatever I want . . .”_

Her eyes shot open. No . . . no . . . she shouldn’t think about that . . . it was in the past, like Finn said . . .

In the past . . .

“Hey Finn, Rey, you guys in there?”

Poe knocking on the door and calling to them caused Finn to stir. “Mmm, not now, Poe,” he mumbled, shifting his weight a little towards Rey.

“It’s past noon,” said Poe, with BB-8 beeping in agreement. “Also, I’ve got your clothes. Unless you want to wander around the base in pajamas, you should probably let me in.”

Rey gulped, quickly pulling the blankets over her torso and making sure she was properly covered. “All right, you can come in.”

“Nothing happened!” Finn exclaimed as soon as the door slid open and Poe entered the room with BB-8 rolling at his feet. “She just wanted me to stay with her because she had a nightmare.”

Poe’s mouth twisted, looking like he was trying to suppress a grin. “Is _that_ what you were trying to tell her when we were all sinking?”

“You’re still going on about _that?”_

“Well, you’ve been really secretive about it,” said Poe, tossing Finn’s clothes on the bed as BB-8 rolled back and forth, beeping that he wanted to know the secret too. “Anyway, you’re both wanted at a meeting.”

“Meeting?” asked Rey.

“We have meetings now?” asked Finn.

“Yeah,” said Poe. “We’re generals, remember? The war’s over, but we’ve still got jobs to do.”

. . .

There was no time for breakfast, but fortunately the meeting room had a food table. Rey filled up a plate with fruit slices, cheese cubes, and pastries and poured herself a cup of caf. As she carried her food to the main meeting table and sat next to Finn, the other Resistance leaders were already in heated conversation among themselves, though Poe clearing his throat silenced them for the moment.

“All right,” he said, “now that we’re all here, let’s begin. I gotta tell you, this is my first time chairing a meeting, so if I do anything wrong, go ahead and let me know.” He cleared his throat again. “First order of business: rebuilding the Republic. Chancellor Pooja Naberrie has contacted us and she has suggested making Coruscant the capital of the Republic again. She has offered to meet with us on Coruscant to discuss how to go about rebuilding the Republic.”

Rey was about to speak up in favor of the idea when her senses twitched again. No, no, not here . . . _not here!_

But there he was on the floor next to her, still comatose, everything unchanged. She gritted her teeth, trying in vain to ignore him, but his presence spoke to her as strongly as if he were breathing down her neck. The conversation around her became incoherent babbles.

In her mind she felt the peace and euphoria of the kiss . . . but she also felt the terror and pain from when he looked into her mind, opening it as easily as a door and yanking out whatever he wanted . . .

“Rey?”

She blinked at Poe as if waking from a dream. “Wh-what?”

Poe cocked his head at her. “We were discussing your idea for a program to reunite stormtroopers with their families. Don’t you want to say anything about it?”

Rey gulped, her heart racing as she glanced down at Ben. “Yes . . . I propose that we send word out inviting both stormtroopers and parents whose children were taken by the First Order to send DNA samples. Our medical droids can then look for matches.”

“I second the idea,” said Finn.

_“I can take whatever I want . . .”_

“I’m sorry!” Rey exclaimed, leaping to her feet. “I’m not feeling well, I have to leave.” Without waiting for a response, she dashed out of the room, away from Ben, though she still felt his presence yanking at her soul.

It wasn’t a lie, she thought as she kept running down the hall, she really _didn’t_ feel well. In fact, the further down the hall she got, the more she felt like she could vomit. She was thanking the Force that she didn’t actually eat any of the food she’d gathered for the meeting, but still the dry heaves came, burning her throat and forcing her to lean against the wall until they passed.

And still she felt Ben, his presence screaming at her to return to the meeting room as if an actual physical voice was screaming in her ear. Had she ever tried to get this far away from him when they linked? Her head was throbbing, spinning . . . she actually wondered if she would pass out.

 _Make it stop,_ her mind shouted. _MAKE IT STOP!_

She moved again, out of the building, not consciously choosing where to go, but she wasn’t at all surprised when she ended up in the medical ward. With a long exhale, she sat at the foot of Ben’s bed, concentrating on her own breathing until she started to feel semi-normal again.

Her heart was still racing as she looked over at Ben’s face, still splotched with bruises. Some part of her suddenly felt an urge to kiss him again, but _why?_ She wasn’t in love with him, was she? Though she wasn’t sure what romantic love felt like, she was pretty sure it didn’t usually involve nearly vomiting.

Why had she kissed him the _first_ time?

She was swept up in the moment . . . she’d felt _compelled_ to do it . . .

A sudden gasp. Was _this_ part of being a dyad? Actual _pain_ if she tried to escape him when they linked, being _compelled_ to kiss him?

Being _brainwashed?_

Though she wanted to run as far away from him as possible, she didn’t do so for fear that the nausea might return. Two who are one, he called it. Linked to each other, bonded to each other.

 _Chained_ to each other.


	7. Father and Son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figures, I start writing a Han and Ben conversation and it ends up taking up the whole chapter. Have I mentioned how much I love writing about those two?

In an effort to get away from his parents trying to convince him to wake up, Ben had decided to explore the forest. Why his mind decided to put a forest here, he had no idea, but why did it make a cliff over a lake? Maybe it was an amalgamation of memories from when he lived at Luke's Jedi Temple or maybe his mind was just desperate for something peaceful.

He heard birds singing up in the trees, but he couldn't actually see any birds. Maybe they were hidden up in the canopy or maybe his mind was just producing bird sounds. He took a deep inhale of the fresh air, as he leaned against a tree, savoring the rough bark against his back. His breath came out in weary pants as if he had just been running and his body slumped to the ground.

What was he doing? Why did Rey have to save him? Why did his parents have to be so _forgiving?_ If they were angry at him, at least things would make a little bit of sense. If they yelled at him and declared him to be no son of theirs, it would be no less than he deserved. It would be _right._

In his mind he saw his father's eyes widened in pain, shock, devastation, struggling to cling to life for a few more precious seconds.

Yet even _then_ , when he knew he would be dead in mere moments, he'd used his last bit of strength to reach out to his son . . .

"Hey buddy, how're you doin'?"

Ben looked up and there was Han standing over him. Of course, why would he expect his parents to leave him alone? "Where's Mom?" he asked.

Han shrugged. "She thought you and I should talk one-on-one."

"We already did," said Ben, hugging his knees.

"Not for long." Han sat on the ground next to Ben despite not having been invited.

"I never thanked you for appearing to me," Ben said with a hard swallow, unable to look his father in the eye. "For . . . bringing me back."

Yet _again_ Han was touching his son's cheek. "You brought _yourself_ back, kid. Me and your mom just showed you the way."

Ben couldn't stop tears from flowing onto his father's strong fingers. "Then why didn't I bring myself back the _first_ time?" The first time, when he'd been convinced that Ben Solo was weak and foolish and had to be completely eliminated, even if it took patricide to do so. In fact, he was right – he _had_ been weak. Too weak to fight the darkness.

Han let out a long sigh and Ben didn't need telepathy to know that he didn't have the answer either. "But you _did_ come back."

"I came back _too late!_ Too late to save Mom, too late to stop myself from _killing you!"_ He looked at his father, his sight blurred with tears. "We shouldn't be together in my subconscious – we should be together in the _living world!"_

"Well _you_ can still go back to the living world."

Ben sniffled. "I can't . . ."

"You _can,"_ Han insisted.

"What am I there?" Ben exclaimed. "The soulless monster who terrorized the galaxy, murdered his own father – murdered _Han Solo_ the great hero!"

"Ben . . ."

"Could _you_ go back to the living world if you'd done everything I did?" Ben shouted through a sob.

Han was silent, his eyes lowering.

"I thought not," said Ben.

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't say you _could_ go back."

Han let out another sigh. "I'm sorry, Ben. I should've fought harder to keep you home. I should've tried harder to understand the Force. I should've tried to reach you after . . . after . . ."

Ben swallowed hard, feeling like a rock was stuck in his throat. "I should have tried to reach _you_ after that night."

"Luke was wrong," Han quickly said. "He pried into your mind and then freaked out and then . . . well, look where everything ended up."

"You say that like I never would have fallen if he hadn't done that."

Han stared into his son's eyes. "I don't know if you would've or not, but what he did still triggered it."

The memory came: the memory of waking up to the low hum, the green light, the heat, all saying that the voice was right; his uncle was afraid of him and wanted to destroy him. To Luke, he wasn't a student or a nephew – he was a savage animal that needed to be put down before he hurt anyone.

And that turned out to be the _truth._

He didn't realize he was shivering until Han wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight Dad hug: the kind of Dad hug he once gave when Ben had nightmares. "It's okay, son," he murmured, "it's okay."

"Why do you keep saying that when it's _not_ okay?" Ben sobbed, resting his head on his father's broad chest.

"It _can_ be okay." He said it with as much confidence as if he were talking about the sun rising. "You can _make_ it okay."

"So you think I'll just say I'm sorry and then everything will be all right? Everyone will just accept me and trust me and Rey and I will live happily ever after?"

"I _know_ it won't be that easy, son. You did awful things – I won't deny that. Probably a lotta people will _never_ forgive you, but you've got a chance to make things better. Not perfect, but _better."_

Ben couldn't respond. Better, what did _better_ even mean and what could he do to achieve it back there? He thought he was making the galaxy _better_ when he was Kylo Ren, for that matter.

Then something occurred to him.

"Luke . . . he told you about that night?" he asked, looking up at his father.

"Yup," said Han, sounding like he'd rather talk about anything else.

"What did you do?"

"What do you _think_ I did? I yelled at him like hell."

"And . . . what did _he_ do?"

Han shrugged. "He pretty much let me yell at him and told me he deserved all of it. You know, you two have more in common than you think."

"Do you think he might want to talk to me?"

Han shrugged again. "I dunno. Honestly, I don't think he knows how to face you."

"Well _I_ don't know how to face _everyone."_

Han shrugged for a third time. "Like I said, you two have more in common than you think."


	8. Responsible

“Rey?”

Rey looked up and there was Finn, holding up the plate of food she’d left behind at the meeting. “Hey, you haven’t eaten anything today,” he said. 

Rey’s stomach growled at the sight, motivating her to grab the plate and stuff a handful of cheese cubes in her mouth.

“Unfortunately, your caf got cold,” said Finn, “but I got you some water.” He handed her a glass of water, which she immediately grabbed, taking a long gulp and savoring the cold, refreshing liquid. 

Finn half-grinned at her as she stuffed a pastry in her mouth, savoring the flakey sweetness. “Did anyone ever tell you that you’ve got a huge appetite?”

Rey had to swallow before she could answer. “I guess it comes from being hungry for so long.”

Finn took in a long inhale, glancing over at Ben before speaking. “I guess _he_ had something to do with you running out?”

There was a long silence, broken only by Rey chewing her food. How could she even begin to explain what happened? She could sense that Finn was already scared of the very concept of a dyad – how long would it be before he simply ran away from her?

“Rey,” he finally said, gently putting his soft hand on her cheek, “you can tell me.”

Rey’s throat suddenly felt dry even though she’d just had a drink of water. “He . . . appeared to me during the meeting, and then when I tried to get away from him I felt _sick._ Physically _sick._ It was like . . . I _had_ to be near him.” Her chest tightened as she gazed over at Ben’s still body. Though his heart monitor’s steady beeping let her know he was alive, his pale body still resembled a corpse.

She felt Finn’s soft hand on her cheek and let him coax her into looking back at him. “Do you want me to be honest, Rey?”

“Yes.”

“All right, this whole dyad thing is terrifying and if I were you I’d try to find some way to break it.”

“I don’t think it _can_ be broken.”

“Are you sure?” His eyes were bulging. “I mean, come on, how does anyone live a normal life when someone else is always appearing to them? And if you feel _sick_ when you try to get away from him – Rey, that’s not something you should just shrug off.”

“But . . . what if it’s _meant_ to be this way?”

The words came out automatically, as if her psyche thought that of _course_ it was meant to be this way.

“How can you _say_ that?” Finn exclaimed.

Rey gulped down more water before speaking. “Maybe it was the only way for him to come back.”

“And you’re sure he _is_ back?”

“Yes.”

Finn’s mouth rumpled. “All right, even if we say for the sake of argument that he _is_ back, why would linking you two together for the rest of your lives be the only way to bring him back?”

Again she glanced at Ben, feeling her heart ache. “On Exegol, Palpatine drained us both of our energy, using the power of our bond to restore himself.”

_“What?”_

“Yes. He called it a power not seen for generations. This _thing,_ whatever it is, it’s special.”

Finn looked at her like he was wondering if he should call the medical droids to get her some meds. “If he could use this thing to make himself stronger, then isn’t that even _more_ reason to try to undo it? Who’s to say some other dark side user couldn’t do the same thing?”

It made sense, more sense than some part of Rey’s mind wanted to admit. In fact, that particular part of Rey’s mind was screaming that no, it shouldn’t be undone, it was taboo to even _consider_ that.

Was the dyad _controlling_ that part of her mind?

“It’s not that simple,” she finally said, glancing over at Ben once more. “I feel . . . _responsible_ for him.”

. . .

“So how did it go?” Leia asked when Han and Ben emerged from the forest, Han’s arm around his son’s shoulders.

“Good,” said Han. “Had some dad-and-son discussion, I think we made some progress.”

“Progress?” Ben exclaimed. “You make it sound like we had a therapy session.”

Han patted Ben’s shoulder. “Well, when you wake up, you should probably consider goin’ into therapy.”

“Not helping,” said Ben, walking away from his father’s grasp. Night was falling again, though he still couldn’t tell how long the days and nights were in his mind or how much time was passing in the real world. It could have been years for all he knew.

“Ben?” he heard Leia ask behind him, making his stomach tighten up.

“Why did you do it?” He couldn’t look back at his mother while asking the question that had been lingering on his mind ever since Endor.

“Do what?”

“You _know_ what!” Still he couldn’t look at her. Again his eyes were welling up, blurring and expanding the few stars in the purple sky. 

He felt her hand on his shoulder, squeezing with those strong fingers. “I had to help you.”

“No, you _didn’t!_ You could have forgotten about me and _lived!”_

“I could _never_ forget about you!”

“And yet you sent your squadron to destroy Starkiller Base and gambled my life on Dad being able to find me and bring me back to you. Oh, and you gambled _his_ life on it too – and lost!”

The words came out in a torrent and once they were out, he wanted to take them back, go back in time just a few seconds to stop himself from saying them, but they were out, doing their damage even as he turned around, seeing his mother look like she had been punched in the gut.

 _Idiot,_ his mind shouted. _Idiot, idiot, idiot!_

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be,” said Leia, sounding like she was swallowing a sob. “Everything you just said is true. That’s how our family fell apart in the first place – I was always so focused on the bigger picture that I hurt the ones closest to me.” She ran her hand over her eyes. “You needed a _mother,_ not a senator, not a general, a _mother.”_

With that, Ben threw his arms around his mother, tears once again streaming down his face. Would he ever be able to look at either of his parents without crying? “Mom, don’t regret the lives you saved.”

Leia just hugged him back, as if she had no reply to that statement. What reply _could_ there be? He couldn’t expect his mother to regret saving lives – he _shouldn’t_ expect her to regret saving lives. How many parents and children were able to live long, happy lives because of her?

And how many parents’ and children’s lives had _ended_ because of him?

“Mom?” he whispered as they pulled out of the embrace.

“Yes?”

“Could you help me with something?”

“I’m not helping you kill yourself, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No.” Ben took a deep breath, feeling like he was about to jump out of an airship, but something was telling him that he had to do this. “It’s something else.”

“What is it?”

Ben’s mouth was dry, but he forced himself to speak.

“I want to talk to Luke.”


	9. Confrontation

“You sure you wanna do this?”

“No,” said Ben, staring out at the lake, imagining himself just floating away on the waves to wherever, “but I feel like I _have_ to.”

Han sighed. “Look, I don’t want you jumpin’ off any more cliffs after talkin’ to him.”

“Why would it make a difference if I _did?_ I can’t die here anyway.”

“Yeah, well I don’t want you jumpin’ off any cliffs after you wake up either.”

“You say that like I _will_ wake up.”

Again he felt his father’s strong arm around his shoulders. “You _will.”_

Ben turned to face his father, remembering how _old_ he had seemed on the bridge. Even in death, his mess of gray hair and wrinkled face and baggy eyes gave off a certain weariness. Couldn’t he just choose to appear younger? Or was the stress and heartbreak of losing his son still affecting him even in death?

“Will he even agree to talk to me?” Ben found himself asking.

Han shrugged, a distant look in his eyes. “I dunno, honestly. He doesn’t talk much to anyone these days, but I think it helped him when he was able to guide Rey.”

“Wait, what?”

Han cocked his head. “He appeared to Rey on Ahch-To when she flew over there after healin’ you. She was gonna go all hermit like he did, but he talked her outta it. Even gave her Leia’s old lightsaber.”

 _Leia’s old lightsaber._ Those words jumped out at him, squeezing at his chest even more than the revelation that Luke had appeared to Rey or that Rey was going to abandon the galaxy like Luke did. Though he had wondered where Rey had gotten the second lightsaber she’d passed to him, in the heat of battle he didn’t question it at the time.

“Mom had a lightsaber??” he exclaimed.

“Yeah,” said Han, “she was trainin’ to be a Jedi, but then she decided to stop her trainin’ when you were little.”

“Why?”

Yet again Han put his hand on his son’s cheek – Ben was beginning to wonder if he was doing it on purpose. “To protect _you._ She’d seen you dying if she completed her training, so she gave up her saber without a second thought.” 

Ben gulped, unsure how to digest the information. In his mind he could see his mother as a fierce, fully-trained Jedi, battling with the lightsaber as if she and the blade were one, protecting the galaxy.

She’d given that up for him?

“Ben, there’s someone here to see you.”

And speaking of his mother, there was her voice, making his breath increase its tempo until it devolved into pants. “I can’t do it,” he stuttered, staring at his father. “I can’t face him.”

Han wrapped his arms around his son. “You _can._ You’re stronger than you think, buddy.”

Still Ben wanted to vomit. Could he vomit here? He squeezed his eyes shut, absorbing his father’s hug, trying to imagine himself as the child who thought Dad could make everything better with his hugs.

“Ben?” 

He froze. _That_ voice, the voice he’d last heard on Crait, the voice that taunted him to lose what little sanity he had left. For a moment he thought about jumping back in the lake, but his father’s grip on him prevented him from doing so. With a swallow and with his father’s gentle urging, he turned around to face the source of the voice.

His uncle, who appeared so fit and confident when he’d Force-projected himself, now with thick graying hair, a longer beard, more weight, and an overall weariness similar to the weariness Ben observed in Han. 

His true appearance.

They stared at each other as if each was waiting for the other to make the first move. Luke didn’t seem to be blinking – but then again, he probably didn’t need to blink anymore in death. Then again, Ben’s parents seemed to be blinking normally.

“Ben,” Luke finally said, “I don’t expect you to ever forgive me . . . but I’m so, so sorry.”

Ben felt as if a vice was squeezing his chest. _“Sorry?”_ He hadn’t meant to spit out the word like it was a disgusting bit of food, but that was how it came out anyway. “Do you think saying _sorry_ can magically make everything better?”

“No.”

“Do you have _any idea_ what it’s like to have voices in your head for as long as you can remember??” Ben found that he couldn’t stop. “To be afraid to sleep every single night?? To be convinced that your own _parents_ were terrified of you?? To have _no one_ who could understand what you were going through _except_ the voices in your head?? To _genuinely_ wish you were dead on a regular basis?? I tried to fight it – dammit I _tried_ – but when I saw you standing over my bed with your lightsaber activated I realized that I couldn’t rely on _anything!”_

Luke shuffled his feet in the grass as if trying to stamp the life out if it. “I know saying sorry doesn’t change anything, but Ben . . . I wouldn’t have actually killed you.”

“And you expect me to believe that?”

“It was _one moment.”_ The last two words came out in a single breath. “but once I came to my senses, it was too late. And I paid for that _one moment_ for the rest of my life.”

One moment, yet the revelation didn’t calm Ben down – instead his heart only raced faster. “You’re wrong, it wasn’t _one moment._ It didn’t take just _one moment_ to sneak into my room! It didn’t take just _one moment_ to poke inside my mind! It didn’t take just _one moment_ to decide that you couldn’t confront me openly because I might turn on you!”

He doubled over, running out of breath and panting in desperation for air. Even his father patting his back couldn’t steady his breathing.

“Look, kid,” Han snapped – for a moment Ben thought his father was talking to him but then he realized he was talking to Luke – “Leia didn’t bring you here to make excuses and try to talk your way outta responsibility for what you did!”

“I’m just trying to help,” Luke mumbled.

“And were you tryin’ to _help_ that night too?” Han shouted. “Look at him – don’t you think he’s goin’ through enough as it is without you goin’ all ‘Oh, I made one mistake but I’m sorry now!’”

“I saw him killing you!” Luke shouted back. 

“And you did a _great_ job stoppin’ that!” Now Han was fuming like a mother reek protecting her young. “Maybe if you’d trusted him enough to actually TALK to him instead of sneakin’ around like a creepy stalker, we’d all be laughing together in the living world right now!”

“All right, ENOUGH!” 

Leia’s authoritative voice was enough to silence both men at least for the moment. Once she had everyone’s attention, she wrapped her arms around Ben, letting him rest his head on hers. “Luke did something horrible, we can all agree there. Would things have been better if he hadn’t done it? Probably, but we can’t say anything for sure. Right now, we all need to focus on the future.”

Now Luke’s eyes were lowered as he let out a long sigh. “Ben . . . you’re right. It wasn’t just one moment of me losing control – it was also me being afraid of you. I knew how strong you are with the Force and I was so caught up in my fear of what you _could_ do that I didn’t even consider whether or not you _would_ do any of it. Han’s right – I didn’t trust you enough to just talk to you and the galaxy paid for it.” He swallowed, looking up at Ben with tear-filled eyes. 

How could Ben respond? Still he remembered the heat of Luke’s blade instantly drawing sweat from his face, reality crashing down on him and confirming his worst fear that the voices were _right._

“You said you didn’t expect me to forgive you,” Ben said in a steady voice, stepping out of his mother’s embrace. “I _want_ to forgive you, I do. I know it’s the right thing to do. I know you’d say that Jedi should rise above their anger and resentment . . . but I’m _not_ a Jedi. I shouldn’t have tried to be one in the first place. Maybe someday I _will_ be able to forgive you . . . but not now.”

With that, he walked away into the forest.


	10. Coruscant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically a transitional chapter. Also, let me say that the only Disney-canon SW novels (not counting movie novelizations) I've read are Most Wanted and Moving Target, both of which take place before ROTJ. So yeah, for this AU I'm doing my own thing with how New (er, old-new?) Republic functioned and how they'll go about rebuilding it. Padme's niece Pooja was chancellor in my other AU fic "Without a Heart" as well, so I thought I'd reuse that idea. Also, Pooja's sister Ryoo having a daughter named Padme is one of my oldest recurring fanfic elements.

Coruscant.

Rey had heard many stories about the hustling, bustling planet that never slept, where the buildings rose thousands of feet above the ground, where the city covered every last inch of the planet's surface. She'd dreamed of visiting the planet for years, but she hadn't expected that she'd step onto the landing platform next to a floating stretcher that carried her comatose . . . what? Other half? That sounded too sentimental. Former enemy but now friend? _Were_ they friends? Did she even really _know_ Ben Solo? Fellow prisoner in a Force bond? Maybe that.

Chewie and Lando also walked alongside the stretcher. Though Chewie hadn't said much about Ben since Exegol, he still seemed to look at him with a certain tenderness. Maybe that meant the Wookiee had forgiven him?

Ben's bruises were starting to heal, but otherwise he still looked the same. The transparent dome around his head that protected him from the elements and contained the purified oxygen he was being given reflected the planet's sun, creating a harsh glare that made it difficult to look at him for too long.

"Lando! So good to see you!"

Striding up to them was an older woman, maybe around Lando's age, guards flanked on either side of her, her arms spread out. Her curly brown hair was streaked with gray and her face seemed to carry a youthful aura despite its wrinkles. Without waiting for anyone to answer, she threw her arms around Lando and squeezed him in an embrace.

Lando let out a chuckle. "Good to see you too, Pooja!" After giving her a tight squeeze back, he broke out of the hug and turned to face the others. "May I present Pooja Naberrie, Chancellor of the New Republic Senate."

Poe bowed at the woman. "I'm pleased to finally meet you in person, Chancellor. I'd also like to say that I was relieved to find out that you weren't on Hosnian Prime when it was destroyed."

"I was too," said Finn, bowing as well. "With your help, we can rebuild the Republic."

"Thank you, General Dameron and General Finn," said Pooja. "It's an honor to finally meet you two in person as well. My cousin Leia told me so much about you both before she died." But then she looked up, catching eye of Ben's stretcher. "Ben," she said in a near-whisper as she headed for the stretcher, seeming to completely forget about her formal persona.

She stared down at Ben's unmoving body, making Rey wonder what she was supposed to do. Should she introduce herself or stay quiet?

[Nice to see you, Pooja,] growled Chewie.

The chancellor looked up at the Wookiee and smiled. "Hello, Chewie. How are you pulling through?"

Chewie shrugged. [I'm pulling through. It's been rough, but I'm getting by.]

"Good," said Pooja before finally taking notice of Rey. "And you must be Rey. My cousin had a _lot_ to say about you."

Rey found herself gulping. What all had Leia told Pooja? That she was a Palpatine? That she and Ben were joined in the Force? "It's . . . nice to meet you, Chancellor. I guess you know Ben?"

Pooja's smile faded as she again gazed at the comatose man. "Of _course_ I do. I've known him since he was a baby. He and his parents used to visit me and my mother and sister on Naboo at least once every year." She swallowed hard. "He loved playing with Padme – my sister's daughter, she named her after Leia and Luke's mother. Of course, that was before everything . . . changed."

Rey didn't know how to respond.

"I heard what he did on Exegol." Pooja still didn't take her eyes off Ben. "Doesn't excuse anything he did before, but . . . maybe that means there's hope."

"There is," said Rey. Though she had no idea what would happen when Ben woke up or even if he would wake up at all, she could at least say those words with confidence.

. . .

"So _high!"_ Jannah exclaimed, spreading out her arms and spinning in place once she and Rose got onto the landing platform. "And so _busy!"_ The roar of the endlessly passing speeders slightly irritated her ears and her head was spinning a bit from the thin air, but somehow she didn't mind it. She felt _alive._

"Look Rose, isn't it beautiful?" she asked, rushing over to the rail and taking in the rush of speeder traffic.

"Yeah," said Rose, walking noticeably slower to join her friend.

"What's wrong?" asked Jannah.

Rose bit her lip. "Nothing . . . I'm just not good with heights." Yet she was leaning on the rail as if it was second nature to her.

Jannah cocked her head. "You're a terrible liar, you know that?"

The smaller woman looked up at Jannah, a slight frown pulling on her mouth. "I told you about how my sister and I grew up. When I see places like this, I see beautiful places built on the labor of poor people barely getting by." She sighed. "I know, I know, there will be poverty no matter what planet you visit and it's impossible to save everyone from poverty, but it's hard _not_ to think about it."

Jannah looked down over the rail – down, down, down through the crisscrossing speeder lanes, down so far that she couldn't see the bottom. She'd heard that the lower levels of Coruscant were a haven for thieves and gangsters out to make deals with desperate people.

Desperate people, invisible to her eyes but there all the same.

"Maybe we can at least _help,"_ she finally said as she looked up, casing into Rose's pensive eyes. "There will always be poor people, but with the chancellor's help we can rebuild the Republic and help there be _fewer_ poor people."

Rose took a deep breath. "You're right. Come on, let's go work for a better future."

As they followed the group of Resistance leaders, Jannah wondered if Rose would want a hug. She looked like she could use a hug, but would it be appropriate to hug her out of the blue? How well did people usually get to know each other before they hugged?

"By the way," Rose said, "if the program to reunite stormtroopers with their families gets funded, will you be submitting DNA?"

Jannah sucked in the thin air through her nose, increasing her lightheadedness. "I should. I mean, it sets an example for other stormtroopers, doesn't it?"

"And what if they find a match?"

"Then . . . I don't know."


	11. Lost Friendship

There was a bird.

Ben didn’t know how long he’d been wandering aimlessly around the forest, but he stopped when he noticed a bird perched on a branch above him. An actual _bird_ – not just a birdsong coming from seemingly nowhere. Yellow with an orange belly, short and chubby, its tiny beak chirping out a bouncy song.

In another life, Ben would have wanted to sketch that bird. He might even already have a sketchpad on his person so he could sketch the bird right now. He’d sit on the ground, not caring if he got his robes dirty or if Luke looked at him with disapproval.

Maybe he’d have been happier if he’d drawn more.

Maybe his parents would still be alive if he’d drawn more.

He doubted he was talented enough to make a living as an artist, but maybe he could have drawn on the side if he’d pursued some career other than Jedi. Then again, he hadn’t chosen to be a Jedi in the first place.

But maybe if he had drawn more as a child, he could have kept his powers under control and his parents wouldn’t have felt the need to send him away.

“You look happy,” he found himself saying, though he wasn’t sure why he was talking to the bird. “Even though you’re just a creation of my subconscious, you still look happy. Probably a therapist would say you represent my lost innocence or something like that.”

The bird just cocked its head at Ben before resuming its trills as if it didn’t have a care in the galaxy.

“Why are you still here?”

At first Ben jumped slightly, thinking his father’s voice was calling him, but then he heard his uncle’s voice responding and realized that he must be close to the edge of the forest. Some part of him wanted to dart away as fast as he could, but instead he held his breath, listening.

“I wanted to see if Ben still wanted to talk to me.”

“Didn’t you hear him? He doesn’t wanna talk to you or see you or have anything to do with you!”

“Well he _was_ the one who wanted to talk to me in the first place!”

It sounded like Han was fuming through his nostrils. “And now he doesn’t, so you might as well get outta here.”

Now Luke was sighing. “And what about you?”

“What about me what?”

“Do _you_ want to talk to me? I mean, we are best friends – or at least we used to be.”

“Yeah, but that was before you almost murdered my son.”

Ben felt like a rock had settled in his stomach.

“Look, I don’t know what else I can say about that,” said Luke, his voice sounding more and more desperate. “If I could go back in time and stop myself from doing it, I would, but I can’t. It haunted me every single day I was in exile – I almost jumped off those cliffs more than once!”

“And was it cause you almost murdered _your own nephew,_ or cause you created Kylo Ren?”

“Both.” Now Luke was sighing. “When . . . when I saw him killing you . . . I couldn’t handle it . . . losing you . . .”

“You lost me anyway.” Han’s voice was small, hurt. “Didn’t you know that I’d have given my life for his in an instant?”

Ben gulped, his hands shaking. Had he torn apart his father and uncle’s friendship in addition to everything else? Trebling with every step, he made his way towards the voices, emerging from the forest to the two men.

“He didn’t _create_ Kylo Ren,” he found himself mumbling, causing them both to turn to him wide-eyed.

“Ben?” Han exclaimed. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Enough,” said Ben, concentrating on his father and doing his best to look away from Luke. “He didn’t create Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren existed inside me before that, even if he didn’t yet have a name, and I struggled – dammit I _struggled_ – to keep him under control, but that night . . . Luke brought him out. That night I realized that there was no _point_ in keeping Kylo Ren under control if I was a lost cause to begin with . . .”

With that he collapsed to his knees, sobbing into his father’s shirt.

Han ran his hands through his son’s hair. “It’s all right, buddy. Kylo Ren’s dead now.”

“It’s _not_ all right!” Ben retorted through his sobs. “Stop saying it’s all right – it will _never_ be all right!”

“Ben . . .” said Luke.

“ _Don’t_ talk to him!” shouted Han.

“Can I at least talk to _you?”_ Luke sounded ready to break down crying himself. “I miss you and Leia – so _much!_ I know I failed not just Ben, but you too. You trusted me with your only child and I let you down, but isn’t there _some_ way we could at least be friends again? I mean, you seemed happy to see me when I first joined the Force.”

“That was before you told me what happened!” Han sounded like he was swallowing a sob. “I _do_ miss you, kid, but every time I look at you I see what you did to my boy.”

“Dad,” Ben whispered, though he didn’t know how to follow that word. Should he tell them to be friends again? _Could_ he tell them that when even right now, safe in his father’s embrace with Luke out of his line of vision, he could still feel the heat of that green blade raised over his helpless self?

“Where’s Mom?” he finally asked in a muffled voice, keeping his face buried in Han’s shirt.

Han sighed. “She said she was getting someone else to help us.”

“Someone else? Who?”

“She didn’t say.”

“Great,” muttered Ben, wiping his eyes, “all I need is _more_ ghosts trying to get me to wake up.”

He expected Han or Luke or both of them to immediately jump on him, telling him that he needed to wake up and face the living world, but strangely enough, neither one did so, perhaps because they too were caught up in their fears of facing the past.

“All right everyone, listen up!”

There was something about his mother’s voice that compelled him to get up even if his legs felt wobbly as he did so. There she was, that princess look on her face – the look that said “pay attention or you’ll regret it.”

“Ben,” she said, ignoring Luke entirely, “I brought a couple of people who have been longing to meet you.” She gestured behind here, where there stood a beautiful young woman with curly brown hair and a tall man with curly blonde hair and a forlorn expression on his face.

“Ben, these are your grandparents,” said Leia, gesturing at each one individually. “Padme Amidala, and . . . Anakin Skywalker.”


	12. Memories of Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update – I’m back in grad school to get ESOL certified and that’s taking a lot of my time even when all my classes are online.

Ben was transferred to one of Coruscant’s top hospitals, on Pooja’s insistence. Normally he would have been in the intensive care unit, but given that no one knew what could happen when he woke up (if he woke up at all), he was placed in his own room rather than a room with other patients. His arms and legs were strapped to the bed, there were security cameras installed in the ceiling, and the door was locked from the inside so doctors could easily access him but he couldn’t escape on his own.

Rey had never been inside a real hospital, but she decided that she didn’t like it. The ceiling lights were so _bright_ – the glare hurt her eyes and reminded her of Jakku’s blazing sun. So many people going back and forth down the halls in a hurry as if saving people’s lives was a matter of business instead of compassion. Then there was the _smell._ Sure, the whiff of antiseptic was always in the air whenever doctors were around, but it would only be a _whiff_ at the Resistance’s bases. Here the strong, too-clean smell just _hung_ in the air.

The only difference in Ben’s appearance was that he had been changed into one of their hospital gowns – a light blue one dotted with tiny yellow flowers. He looked good in blue, more boyish. She could better imagine him as the mischievous child Leia had told stories about.

Leia. She felt a tightening in her chest as she remembered the moment she felt Leia’s life force go out after she’d impaled Kylo with his own lightsaber. What would the general do if she were alive to see her son like this?

“Ben,” she whispered, the beep, beep, beep of his heart monitor irritating her ears, “why won’t you wake up? Did I do something wrong when I transferred my energy to you?” The memory of pouring her energy into him after he collapsed was blurry – it was possible that in her desperation she _had_ done something wrong, though she wasn’t sure what.

He remained as still as ever. Why was she even talking to him? She remembered hearing somewhere that people in comas could _possibly_ hear people talking to them, but she sure wasn’t seeing any evidence of that.

“Are you afraid?” she found herself asking. “Are you scared of facing the world without the mask?”

No answer, of course, but she kept talking anyway, maybe for her own peace of mind or maybe because she wondered if he could actually hear her.

“I understand if you’re afraid. I’d probably be afraid too, but you won’t be alone. Lando still cares about you, and Pooja, and I think even Chewie does.”

This was pointless, wasn’t it? Probably, but she was still doing it. “I don’t know what the Resistance will do to you when you wake up, but I’ll fight for you, I promise.”

What _would_ the Resistance do? They’d almost definitely arrest him and put him on trial, but what would come after that? Would they imprison him for the rest of his life?

Would they _execute_ him?

. . .

“Ben, I’m so proud of you.”

The woman named Padme – Ben’s _grandmother_ – threw her arms around him almost before he’d comprehended what was happening. Was he supposed to hug her back when she was a total stranger? “It’s . . . nice to meet you,” he said awkwardly, “but you shouldn’t be proud of me.”  
Padme ran her hand up and down his back. “Your grandfather said the same thing when he joined with the Force.”

“My . . . grandfather.” Ben blinked over her shoulder at the strange man who was staring at him with wide, apologetic eyes.

_“I have been every voice you have ever heard inside your head.”_

Ben gulped. The grandfather he’d long thought that he knew, who he thought was urging him to continue his legacy . . . it was a lie.

“Why didn’t you reach me?” he exclaimed, pushing himself out of Padme’s embrace and stomping up to Anakin. “Palpatine was speaking to me in _your_ voice – he had me convinced that you wanted me to . . .”

“I couldn’t,” Anakin interrupted. “I tried many, many times, but he always blocked me.”

“You’re a _ghost!”_ Ben exclaimed. “Couldn’t you have, I don’t know, contacted someone _else_ and told them??”

Anakin’s head lowered. “I was blocked from that too.”

The rage that was forever a companion was once more bubbling inside Ben. “Are you seriously telling me you couldn’t do _anything_ in thirty years??”

“You can yell at me all you want,” said Anakin, looking back up at his grandson. “I’ve been where you are, overwhelmed with everything I did, unable to fix anything or resurrect anyone.” He looked like he was about to cry. “I’ve looked into the eyes of people I killed – including _children._ I let them yell at me, curse my name, cry about how they looked up to me and I broke their hearts, but in the end _nothing_ can undo what I did.” Now his gaze shifted to Padme. “I couldn’t face your grandmother for almost a year after joining the Force. Even though she kept asking to see me, I _couldn’t_ look at her knowing I had let her down and caused her death.”

Ben gulped as he turned to face Padme. “Is that true?”

Padme nodded. “Honestly . . . it was hard for me too. I mean, he sacrificed himself to save our son and I was of course eternally grateful for that, but . . . he still took so many other lives, and I’d watched him doing it. I’d even gotten to know the younglings he killed during the Jedi purges.”

“What?”

“They were scared, having been cut down in an instant by someone they thought would protect them.” There was a faraway look in her eyes. “And, well, I did my best to comfort them, like I would have done for my own children . . .”

There was a lump in Ben’s throat as he looked back at his parents and Luke, none of whom looked like they knew what to say. He looked back at Anakin, feeling the tumultuous wave of guilt flowing from him.

His grandfather had murdered children.

 _Didn’t you do the same thing?_ a silent voice said in his mind. _You ordered whole towns destroyed, after all – do you really think there weren’t any children there?_

An image came flowing from Anakin’s mind – a small, terrified boy looking to Anakin for help...

Then the lightsaber activated . . .

His eyes squeezed shut, as if that could eliminate the image in his mind. _You think you’re better just because you never looked children in the eye before slaughtering them?_ the silent voice persisted. _You think those frightened eyes didn’t exist just because you didn’t see them?_

A cry escaped his mouth as his eyes shot open, once more bringing his grandfather into his vision. “H-How?” he exclaimed. “How can you stand remembering that??”

Again Anakin lowered his eyes as he put his hand on his grandson’s shoulder. “Ben,” he said, “what you ultimately do is your decision, but please consider everything before you throw away what I never got.”

“What you never got? What do you mean?”

Anakin looked back up at his grandson, his blue eyes glistening. “A chance to make things right.”


	13. Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seem to love writing Ben and Han conversations way too much.

Ben had never been good at meditation, yet here he was sitting cross-legged on the beach, focusing on taking long, extended breaths, seeking . . . what? Peace? No, peace was obviously out of the question. Wisdom? He shuddered – maybe _wisdom_ would get him to wake up, the thought of which made his stomach churn.

Maybe the only thing he was seeking was an excuse to get away from his family’s pressuring him to wake up.

He listened to the waves lapping the shore, felt the warmth of the sun on his face, let his mind wander into distant memories. Han teaching him how to fly the Falcon. Playing with his cousins at Naboo’s lake country. Leia telling him stories about Alderaan. Yet no matter how happy a _day_ was, it always led to a _night_ where the unnamed terrors would come.

Ironic, he used to be afraid of sleeping and yet now he wanted to _stay_ asleep.

“Ben?”

He knew he was supposed to ignore distractions during meditation, but _that_ voice made his eyes shoot open like they’d been programmed to do so.

There was Han, sitting across from him on the sand, leaning to one side with his knee sticking up, the sun illuminating his gray hair.

“Are my grandparents still here?” Ben asked.

“Yeah,” said Han. “So’s Luke, but they’re all gonna wait till you wanna talk to them again.”

Ben gulped, staring at his father’s chest, his mind’s eye seeing the flaming lightsaber shoot through his heart. Without thinking, he placed his hand on Han’s chest, feeling the strong, solid, muscular chest through his shirt. There was no hole in his flesh.

But something else was missing too.

“You don’t have a heartbeat!” Ben gasped.

Han gave a slight shrug. “Well, I’m dead, ain’t I?”

It was the first time Ben had heard one of his dead family members actually refer to themselves as _dead._ “What was it like?” he asked in a hushed voice. “Dying?”

Han shrugged again, gazing downward, his finger absently poking holes in the sand. “Dunno. I think I passed out before it actually happened. One minute I’m fallin’ down that shaft, next thing I know I’m waking up and your grandparents are greetin’ me.”

“Anakin and Padme greeted you when you died?”

“No, your _other_ grandparents.” There was a slight smile on his face. “ _My_ parents.”

Ben felt like kicking himself. Did he really _forget_ that he had two sets of grandparents (well, actually three sets, since his mother also had her adopted parents)? Then again, he hadn’t known _any_ of his grandparents growing up and the voice he’d thought was his grandfather had turned out to be a lie. “Are they coming here too?”

“Do you _want_ them to?”

 _Did_ he? He remembered playing with Han’s lucky dice when he was little, Han telling him about how they had belonged to his father and how they were the only tangible remnant of his parents left. Where were those dice now? The dice he’d picked up on Crait had been a mere Force-projection, so did that mean the real ones were on the Falcon?

He hoped so.

“How could I face them?” he found himself saying as he choked back a sob. “I _killed their son!”_

For a moment he was back in Snoke’s throne room, kneeling before the Supreme Leader, Snoke taunting him by calling him “young Solo.”

“You’re still their grandson,” said Han.

“Yeah,” Ben snarled, “and Luke’s still your brother-in-law, but you haven’t forgiven _him_ for trying to kill _your_ son!”

“That’s different,” Han insisted, a sudden hardness in his voice. “Luke made a choice there.”

“And what I did _wasn’t_ my choice?”

“Snoke . . . Palpatine . . .”

Ben raised his hand. “Don’t. Just don’t. I could have walked away with you, but I _chose_ not to. Snoke and Palpatine might have been whispering in my ear since childhood, Luke might have invaded my mind, but in the end _I_ was the one who made the choice to ignite the lightsaber.” He let out a sigh. “People keep acting like I was just some poor brainwashed puppet, like hearing voices all my life excuses everything I did – well I _wasn’t!_ I made _choices!_ Choices that hurt people, drove people away, _killed_ people!” His hands were trembling as they dropped into his lap.

“Maybe if you talk to some of the people you hurt . . .”

“And tell them _what?_ ‘I’m sorry I tortured you’? ‘I’m sorry I killed your loved ones’? You heard Grandfather – sorry doesn’t fix anything! Luke’s sorry as hell for what he did, and yet neither of us can stand to look at him!”

Han looked like he had been punched in the gut. His wrinkled face scrunched up, making him look even older and wearier than before. “You’re right. Sorry _doesn’t_ always cut it, but it’s a place to start.”

“Then maybe you should try to start again with Luke.”

He hadn’t meant to say it – he didn’t even know _why_ he said it. Maybe because he felt responsible for destroying Han and Luke’s friendship, maybe because he missed the days when they were all a happy family, but whatever the reason, the words were out and Han was flinching.

“So you’re sayin’ you want me to forgive him even after you told him off like that?”

“I don’t know,” Ben admitted, “but I remember how you and he laughed and joked together, took me on outings together, always had each other’s backs. I don’t want that gone forever, even with . . .”

He couldn’t finish. Again he saw the green blade in his mind’s eye, the _choice_ Luke had made. Even knowing that Luke had gotten control of himself, even knowing the intensity of Luke’s remorse, he couldn’t keep himself from tensing up when he remembered that night.

“Maybe you’re right,” Han mumbled, looking at his fingers. “I just wish . . . things were different. I wish our family hadn’t fallen apart. I wish I hadn’t caved to send you away.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Han let out a humorous laugh. “Yeah, and Luke totally would’ve flown over just to stalk you in your sleep if we _hadn’t_ sent you to him.”

Stalk him in his sleep. It made Luke sound so sinister, but that was what he did, wasn’t it?

“Maybe I should’ve gone with you,” Han said, a distant look in his eyes. “I could’ve talked Luke outta it.”

“Why are you so fixated on Luke?” Ben exclaimed. “You think I never would have turned to the dark side if that night had never happened? I told you – Kylo Ren existed long before that. If Luke didn’t bring him out, something else probably would have.”

Now there were tears brimming Han’s eyes. “It _wasn’t_ hopeless, kid.” Was he trying to convince Ben or himself? “C’mon, you were just talkin’ about _choices_ , weren’t you?”

“Well . . . yes . . . but . . .” A long sigh escaped. “I chose long ago to _listen_ to the voices and believe what they said.”

“You were just a kid.”

“Kids aren’t automatons. I could have gone to you and Mom, I could have told you everything, but I _didn’t.”_

“You were scared . . .”

 _“Stop making excuses!”_ Ben snapped.

“Well what do you _want_ me to do? You’re angry at Luke for bringing out Kylo Ren or whatever, but you’re also insisting that everything you did was your choice! Well, which is it? Did you make your own choices or not?”

“It’s complicated.”

“What do you _want,_ son?”

“I DON’T KNOW!”

With those words, father and son just stared at each other, Ben’s breath shaking, Han’s eyes welling. Several moments passed before Han leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his son and squeezing him close to him. Ben wanted to say something, but hearing his father sob silenced him, only granting him enough energy to hug Han back.


	14. Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is most definitely not the end. Ben's still got a LOT of issues to get through.

_“We’re not done yet.”_

_“You’re a monster!”_

_“It’s just us now. Han Solo can’t save you.”_

_The flaming red blade that only minutes ago had pierced Han’s chest, burning in Rey’s eyes, expanding and blurring through her tears. Some part of her was screaming that no, this wasn’t real, this was wrong, Han was still alive down in the shaft somewhere and Chewie would rescue him._

_But that face . . ._

_That crazed, rageful face with the bloodshot eyes, looking like a madman about to lash out . . ._

_The monster . . ._

_The invisible push sending her flying into the trees . . ._

Rey woke up mid-scream, taking several seconds to process that she wasn’t back on Ilum, she was safe in the Coruscant hotel that Pooja was graciously renting for Resistance members for the time being. Safe, but that didn’t change the fact that her nightmare had still _happened._

She slid out of bed, the hotel room’s too-smooth carpet irritating her bare feet as she stumbled over to the minifridge and pulled out a bottle of water. She wished she could still sleep on the Falcon, but like all the other Resistance ships, it was currently sitting in a garage until it would be needed again.

As she uncapped the bottle and let the cool liquid flow down her throat, she made her way to the large window that took up an entire wall. Why did Coruscantians have such huge windows – didn’t they feel exposed? For that matter, anyone in any of the passing speeders could glance over and see _her_ wearing only a t-shirt and underwear.

Yet here she was, staring out at those speeders zipping this way and that in their orderly rows, their lights creating eerie lines in the darkness. How did they keep the airlanes so straight? she wondered as she took another sip of water.

The twitch in her senses again, causing her to drop the bottle, spilling the water on her foot and the too-smooth carpet. Why _now?_ Why did this keep happening when she just wanted to be _alone?_

She turned around as if a blasterbolt would go off if she moved too fast and there he was lying on the too-smooth carpet, still comatose, the tubes still in his arms and up his nostrils, droplets of Rey’s water on his forehead. Suddenly her bare legs felt very, very exposed even though he wasn’t awake to see them.

“Well, here you are again,” she said with a long sigh. “I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.” She sighed again. “You probably can’t even hear me, so why am I even talking to you?”

Silence.

With another sigh, she knelt by his side, the too-smooth carpet hurting her kneecaps, trying not to let the nightmare overtake her mind, though she couldn’t stop her hands from shaking. “Ben, am I supposed to wake you up? I don’t know how to do that. It’s my fault you’re in this coma in the first place!”

Despite having just had water, her throat felt dry. Those last words had come out without really thinking, but they were true . . . this _was_ her fault. Maybe she really had done something wrong in her rush to keep him alive, maybe he wanted to die and she shouldn’t have interfered with his wishes, maybe she should have just remained dead and this was punishment for interfering with the laws of nature.

No matter what, it was her fault.

She gently reached over and wiped the water droplets from his pale face, glowing eerily in the city lights. “I need a sign, Ben. Some sort of sign that you can wake up.”

Silence again.

“Please, Ben. Your parents wouldn’t want you to give up. If you won’t wake up for yourself, at least wake up for _them!”_

Still silence. Without the beeping of his heart monitor, Rey could easily believe he was already dead were it not for the slight rising and falling of his chest.

Did she dare try again?

If transferring energy could bring her back from the dead, keep him alive when he was dying, could it . . .?

Or would it kill one or both of them?

They had each given nearly all their energy for the other. Their souls were bonded. Maybe that meant . . .

“Ben,” she whispered, “I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe nothing will happen, but . . . this is my fault. I have to make it right.”

She closed her eyes, took his hand in her left hand, placed her right hand on his chest, and concentrated on letting her energy flow.

. . .

“What’s _happening?”_

Ben could barely choke out the words as he gripped his head, which was suddenly throbbing with pain. His body started shaking as if he’d been thrown into a blizzard, his stomach churned as if he had eaten something poisonous. He was barely aware of his father gently gripping his sides and helping him to his feet.

“I think you’re wakin’ up, son,” Han said, a hint of joy in his voice.

“What? NO!” Ben threw his arms around his father as if that would keep him in the coma. “No, no, I can’t wake up . . .”

“Ben, it’s all right,” Leia’s voice said, seemingly coming out of nowhere, followed by her embrace, sandwiching Ben between his parents. “You can do this.”

“No, no,” Ben whimpered, “I can’t.”

“You _can!”_ Leia insisted.

His teary eyes slowly opened, revealing, Luke, Anakin, and Padme standing a few feet away, all offering warm smiles, silently urging him on.

“It’s all right, son,” Han said in his most tender Dad voice, the voice he once used when soothing Ben after nightmares, “we’re here for you.”

“You _won’t_ be,” sobbed Ben, unable to stop his body’s shaking, feeling like he was about to fall apart. “I’ll be alone.”

“You’re _not_ alone,” insisted Leia. “You’ve never been alone.” She kissed his cheek. “We’re always with you.”

Han kissed his other cheek, ruffling his hair. “Say hi to Chewie, will ya?”

Ben barely managed a nod before closing his eyes again, absorbing his parents’ embrace. “Will I remember this?” he whispered.

“Course you will, buddy,” said Han.

“But what do I _do_ out there? How can I face everything?”

Already he felt the world breaking away, consciousness pulling him out of the sanctuary, but he still heard his father’s answer.

“That’s up to you.”


	15. Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to continuing this! Ben's got a lot of struggle ahead of him.

A loud gasp brought sudden pain to his throat. His eyes opened to a light shooting directly down into his pupils, causing him to instantly close his eyes once again, though blinding spots followed him into the dark. His head ached, his arms ached, his legs ached, _everything_ ached, in addition to something irritating and invasive stuck up his nostrils. Attempts to move only resulted in his wrists and ankles slamming against bruising restraints.

_Where am I? What’s happening?_

He remembered a forest, a cliff, a lake . . .

His parents . . .

“Ben Solo, you mustn’t struggle or you will hurt yourself.”

The voice was low and unemotional – a droid. He forced his crusty eyelids open once again, blinking and blinking until he could make out the blurry gray face of a medical droid.

“Wh-wh . . .” That was all that came out before a torrent of dry coughs exploded out of his mouth.

“Calm down, Ben Solo,” said the droid. “You have been in a coma for weeks. You will need to drink some water before you can speak.”

 _You have been in a coma for weeks_. As the coughs calmed down, leaving him with a burning throat, those words sent reality crashing on him. Exegol, Rey, Palpatine. Death, revival, kiss. Han, Leia, Luke, Anakin, Padme. Sleep, dreams.

Waking.

He was _awake._

His breath sped up as he realized that he was strapped to a hospital bed, his muscles feeling stiff and useless as if they hadn’t moved for ages.

“Ben Solo, you _must_ calm down,” said the droid, holding a glass of water up to his lips. “Here, drink this. We will explain everything soon.”

He drank, but even the cold water hydrating his mouth and throat couldn’t keep him from trembling. A familiar presence was filling his senses, as solid as if she were right by his side. His sore eyes blinked, blinked, blinked as they slowly looked to his side, bringing the one who brought him out of the comfortable dream into his vision.

Rey.

. . .

For a moment, Rey was back on Crait.

The moment when he’d looked up at her before she shut the Falcon’s door on him – that desperate, vulnerable, _hurt_ expression, it was back on his face now. She reached for his hand, wanting to squeeze it and let him know that it would be all right, but he vanished before she could touch him, leaving his face pressed in her mind.

Her breath shortened, her hands trembling. “Ben, come back,” she whispered, even though she knew that merely calling to him wouldn’t make him appear again. Though he’d said nothing to her, she had felt his shock, his terror . . . his _devastation._ His eyes seemed to be screaming _What have you done?_ as if he’d wanted to stay asleep forever.

Maybe he did.

She slowly rose to her feet, staring out the window. Somewhere there was the hospital where Ben was. Should she try to catch an airbus to the hospital right now? Would he even want to see her? Would she be _allowed_ to see him now that he was awake and potentially a threat?

“Ben,” she whispered, “ _please_ come back.” Maybe if she focused on him, pressed his image into her mind . . .

Nothing.

 _Should_ she try to visit him in person now? Would there even be any airbuses going to the hospital at this hour? Would seeing her help him or just make things worse?

Suddenly she felt an urge to talk to someone about this, but who would understand?

Maybe . . .

She grabbed her pants from the edge of the bed, yanking them on as she left the room, the hallway lights briefly disorienting her, the hard floor cold against her bare feet. There was one person – someone she didn’t know well, but who might understand why she did what she did.

. . .

“Lando?” she called, knocking persistently on the door she thought was the general’s. “Lando, wake up, I need to tell you something.”

It seemed like ages before the door slid open, revealing a yawning Lando in a gray shirt and pants that looked like they had been hastily thrown on. “Rey? What is it, and why couldn’t it wait until morning?”

“I woke Ben up,” Rey sputtered out.

Lando’s eyes bulged, all traces of sleepiness suddenly gone. _“What?”_

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, I think you’d better.”

Once Lando led her into his room and turned on the lights, the two sat on the bed and Rey found the story of her bond with Ben bursting out – Snoke linking their minds, neither of them able to control when the other one appeared, each one of them saving the other by transferring their energy, all the way up to how she woke him by giving him her energy for the third time.

Lando didn’t speak for several moments after she finished – instead he just stared at her, his mouth twisting and crinkling his mustache.

“So now I don’t know if I did the right thing,” she added.

“Not gonna lie,” Lando finally said, “I don’t know either.”

“Didn’t you say that you wanted him to wake up?”

“Yeah,” said Lando, glancing downward and scratching the mattress as if he needed a distraction, “but what happens to him now that he’s awake?”

“I won’t let the Resistance execute him.”

Lando looked back up at her, an eyebrow raised. “Finn and Poe bein’ your friends doesn’t mean he won’t get executed. It might not even be up to them – or Pooja, for that matter. The new government will have to get sorted out before his fate’s decided and who knows how long that’ll take?”

Rey felt her heart sink. “You’re a war hero – surely _your_ word will mean something!”

“Yeah, I can speak up on his behalf, but I dunno how much my word means these days. Fact is that I didn’t join the Resistance until the very end cause I . . . couldn’t stand the idea of killin’ my own daughter.”

Rey gulped. “Like how Han ran away because he couldn’t stand killing his own son.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “The First Order had a way of tearing families apart.”

“Well we’re going to bring some of those families back together.”

 _“If_ this stormtrooper-reunion program gets funded.” Lando sighed again. “This whole thing would be easier if Han, Leia, and Luke were alive. _Their_ word would damn well mean something.”

Sorrow was flowing off of him, making her wish she could say something to help him. The man had lost three of his best friends in the last year, all in some degree because of Ben, yet still he cared about Ben.

“Maybe we could visit the hospital tomorrow. You and me.”

Lando suddenly seemed to find the opposite wall very interesting. “I dunno if he’ll want to see either of us. It’s not like I’ve talked to him at all in the last seven years.”

“I know,” said Rey. “But . . . I don’t want him to be alone.”

The older man took a deep breath, though he still didn’t look at her. “Well . . . I guess we could try.”


	16. Unsure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! Yes, Rey and Lando WILL be visiting Ben in the next chapter, but I felt like we needed a little transitional chapter first.

Ben awoke to a throbbing headache and that ceiling light still painfully shooting into his eyes. Still his muscles felt like they were disintegrating and his whole body was sore, but at least his arms and legs weren’t strapped to the bed anymore and the tubes up his nose were gone. He vaguely remembered the droid injecting him with some sort of sleep aid last night and he supposed that it worked, though the pounding in his head and the churning in his stomach made him question if a good night’s sleep was worth it. He’d never been drunk, but judging by his father’s descriptions, he guessed this was what being hungover felt like.

Why did they remove the straps anyway? Probably because they figured that since he couldn’t move with or without them, they might as well not be accused of mistreating a patient. He closed his eyes, trying to tune out the beeping of the heart monitor. Maybe if he concentrated hard enough, he could go back to that wilderness with his parents . . .

“Good morning, Mr. Solo.”

Ben slowly opened his eyes to see a female Twi’lek standing over him, wearing a white coat and carrying a datapad. “Who are you?” he muttered, his voice still raspy.

“Doctor Renda M’lir,” said the Twi’lek, “but you can simply call me Renda. I’ll be in charge of your care while you’re recovering.”

“And _after_ I recover? What happens _then?”_

The doctor’s face briefly fell. “I’m afraid that’s not my call to make, but right now we need to concentrate on getting you well.”

“Getting me _well_ so I’ll be healthy enough for my execution,” Ben snorted. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just give me a lethal injection now?”

The doctor cocked her head. “I may not know much about law, but I know you’d have to stand trial first, and you can’t stand trial until the new government’s worked out.”

“Yeah, well you’re wasting effort getting me better if I’m just going to die anyway.”

The doctor sighed. “They told me you were difficult. I see they weren’t exaggerating.”

 _“They_ who?”

“The Resistance leaders. They gave us all briefings on what to do in case you were to wake up.”

Though she was putting on an easygoing persona, Ben could sense fear flowing off her. _Stun him if he tries anything_ – the thought came into his head without him even trying to read her mind. Of course she’d have a concealed stunray around him. Probably the droid last night had one too.

“So am I a prisoner?” he asked.

“I’d say that’s irrelevant when you’re not even strong enough to get out of bed,” said Renda.

“That’s not an answer.”

Renda shifted her eyes slightly. “Technically, you’re not supposed to leave this room.”

“So I _am_ a prisoner.”

Renda swallowed, tapping her datapad. “Again, let’s concentrate on getting you well before worrying about other things.” She held the datapad in front of his face. “And we can start by getting some food in you. You may pick anything from the approved menu for breakfast. We’re starting you off with soft foods so we can ease your digestive system back into eating.”

Ben hardly glanced at the datapad before making his choice. “Corellian oatmeal, please.” It was what Han fixed for him on many a morning before school.

. . .

“You did WHAT?” Finn exclaimed, dropping the toast he was about to bite into.

Rey glanced around, hoping that the whole hotel restaurant hadn’t heard that. “I know you think it’s crazy. Maybe it was, maybe _I’m_ crazy. Maybe I just made things a whole lot harder for the Resistance . . . but I felt like I _had_ to do it.”

Finn was staring at her like she was a speeder about to run him over. “Rey, look, I know you think you owe him for saving your life and you’ve got that weird dyad thing going on, but do you even _realize_ what this means for the Resistance?”

“It’s no different than if he’d woken up on his own . . .”

“No, it _is_ different! If this gets out, people could see you as his accomplice or something. They could think you betrayed the Resistance!” He put his hand on her shoulder, still giving her that disturbed stare. “Rey, I don’t want you to get hurt – not by him _or_ the Resistance.”

“The leader of the Resistance was his _mother!”_ Rey protested.

Finn’s eyes lowered. “Well she’s not around anymore. Without her, he’s not likely to find a lot of sympathy.”

“Finn . . .” Rey searched for words that wouldn’t come. He was _right,_ after all. She glanced at his uneaten toast on the green-carpeted floor, wishing there was an answer.

Suddenly Finn was hugging her – that comfortable hug he always gave when things were rough. “I don’t like this, Rey – I _really_ don’t like this – but . . .”

Rey hugged him back, resting her head on his shoulder. “It’s all right, Finn. I understand.”

She heard him swallow. “I guess . . . I could _try_ to believe in him, maybe, for your sake. Can’t make any promises, though.”

A small laugh escaped Rey’s mouth. “Thank you.”

. . .

“Did you hear the news? Kylo Ren’s awake,” Rose said as she sat next to Jannah at the restaurant table near the window.

“Yeah,” said Jannah, picking at her pancakes.

“Did you ever meet him when you were . . . well, you know?”

“You can say I was a stormtrooper, Rose,” said Jannah, giving a wry grin. “I’m not shy about it.”

Rose returned her grin. “All right, you were a stormtrooper. Did you ever meet Kylo when you were a stormtrooper?”

Jannah tapped her fork against her plate. “Not really. Captain Phasma and General Hux were generally in charge of the stormtroopers. Stories about him ran rampant, though.”

“What kinds of stories?”

“Like, some people said he wore the mask because he was horribly disfigured like Vader. Others thought he might be a _clone_ of Vader. Still others said he was genetically engineered to be the ultimate killing machine.” She let out a small sigh as she cut a piece of pancake. “But the son of two Rebellion heroes? _That_ was a story that never circulated. It was generally believed that Ben Solo died with the rest of the Jedi, not . . .” She trailed off.

“Do you feel sorry for him?” Rose suddenly asked, not really knowing why she was asking that, but eager to know all the same.

“Do _you?”_

Rose took a bite of toast, chewing for an extended period before answering. “Don’t know. I mean, Snoke was apparently manipulating him since he was a _kid._ I dunno how _anyone_ could stand that without snapping.”

“He had a chance to come home with his father, though,” said Jannah. “Instead he _murdered_ him.” She finally took a bite of pancake, though she continued to talk with her mouth full. “And even though he wasn’t technically involved with the stormtrooper program, he still _let_ the First Order kidnap babies and did nothing to stop it.”

“I know,” said Rose, gazing out the window at the always-busy speeders, “but Rey’s been so _depressed_ ever since Exegol. She seems to truly believe in him, and well, if Vader could leave the dark side behind, maybe Kylo can too.” She looked back at Jannah, who was staring at him with bulged eyes. “Who knows, maybe he’ll even help with that stormtrooper-reunion program thing.”

“Maybe,” was all Jannah said in response.

Truthfully, Rose wasn’t sure about anything regarding Kylo Ren, but if Finn and Jannah deserved second chances after serving the First Order, maybe Kylo did too.

Maybe.


	17. Not Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned that Ben is a mess? Because he's a mess.

Hands gripping the metal bar stretched across his bed.

An inhale, filling his lungs.

And pull, pull, pull, _pull!_

His teeth ground, his muscles exploded in pain, sweat dripped down his face, his IV dug into his skin, but his back rose a few inches.

The words _physical therapy_ shouldn’t have perked him up, yet they offered him a chance to forget. Forget Rey, forget dreams, forget a looming trial and possible execution – just let his body take over and use all its energy to focus on sitting up another inch, and another, and another. Training his body had been part of his life ever since his teenage years – whether training for the Jedi in one life or the Knights of Ren in another. He needed to be able to rely on his body even if it would cease to function soon.

Pull, pull, pull, up, up, up . . .

The bar was getting closer . . .

“Mr. Solo, you have visitors.”

His concentration broke and he fell back onto the bed, mentally cursing that droid and cursing his own arms for becoming so weak that merely trying to sit up was making them throb with pain. “Who?” he spat out.

“Rey and Lando Calrissian.”

Ben’s eyes automatically closed. How could he face her right now, when he still longed for that wilderness in his subconscious where he could be with his parents? And Lando, what the hell did _Lando_ want to see him for after all these years? He probably wanted to yell at him about Han, Luke, Leia – maybe even his lost daughter Ava. Well fine, let him yell. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve yelling and much worse.

“Let them in,” he muttered, rolling over to his side and closing his eyes.

Even with his eyes closed, he sensed _her_ as clearly as if he were looking straight at her. Part of him wanted to open his eyes and gaze into her beautiful hazel eyes, but he resisted the urge. Maybe it was just the dyad making him want it anyway.

“Ben?” she asked.

Still he refused to open his eyes.

“Ben, are you mad at me?”

Was he? He’d gone from enjoying an alternate plane of existence with his parents to a hospital bed where he couldn’t even sit up. For that matter, she’d prevented his death in the first place even though she undoubtedly knew that it would most likely be a futile effort anyway.

“Ben, please, talk to me.”

“What’s there to talk about?” he growled, still keeping his eyes closed. “As soon as I’m deemed fit to stand trial, I’m heading for the blasterfire squad or the gas chamber or if I’m _lucky,_ maybe they’ll be compassionate enough to give me a lethal injection.”

“I won’t let them kill you,” Rey protested.

“Yes, I’m sure all you need to do is ask nicely and then they won’t kill me and let me rot in prison instead.”

“Ben . . .”

“I gave my _life_ for you,” Ben interrupted, spitting out the word life as if it were poisonous. “If you’d just let well enough alone, I could have died in peace and my death would have had _meaning,_ but instead I’ll just be executed as a criminal.”

“I told you, I’m _not_ going to let them execute you.”

Finally Ben opened his eyes, glaring up at her hurt face. “Do you think I _wanted_ this? All you did was either postpone my well-deserved death for a little bit or fix it so I’ll rot in prison.”

“Hey Benny, don’t be so hard on her,” came a familiar voice from the door. Ben glanced at the door, immediately recognizing the man. Even with brushes of gray hair and more weight and wrinkles, the figure of Lando Calrissian was unmistakable.

“What do _you_ want?” Ben growled. “If you want to know about Ava, I have no idea what happened to her. General Hux and Captain Phasma were in charge of the stormtroopers and they’re both dead.”

Lando flinched at the mention of his daughter, but he otherwise kept his composure. “I know that,” he said. “I wanted to see _you.”_

“You want to yell at me about what I did to my father? Go ahead.”

The general blinked at him, still not leaving the doorway, as if he wasn’t comfortable getting any closer. “I don’t know what to say about _that,”_ he admitted, his hand fiddling with the edge of his cape. Those capes – Ben remembered playing with Lando’s capes when he was little.

“You can say whatever you want,” said Ben, folding his sore arms and fiddling with the tip of his IV. “I deserve every bit of it. I could say I’m sorry, I could beg for forgiveness, I could cry my eyes out, but none of that changes the fact that he’s dead and I killed him.”

Both Rey and Lando stared at him. “Ben,” Rey said carefully, “Han forgave you – I saw him touch your cheek.”

“Still doesn’t change the fact that he’s dead and I killed him,” Ben muttered, wondering if he could pull the IV out if he fiddled with it enough. “Still doesn’t change the fact that I _should_ be dead with him.”

“Hey Benny,” said Lando,” forcing a smile, “don’t talk like that. Rey saved you cause she _believes_ in you.”

“Well maybe I’m not _worth_ believing in,” Ben snarled, still fiddling.

Suddenly the medical droid grabbed his wrist. “Ben Solo, you musn’t do that. You could damage your IV.”

Ben had to grit his teeth to keep himself from shouting at the droid.

Finally Lando walked a few steps into the hospital room, though he still didn’t get anywhere near the bed. Ben could sense fear flowing off of the general despite his efforts to hide it. “You’re afraid of me,” Ben muttered.

Lando didn’t deny it – he merely glanced at the floor.

“Do you have a concealed stunray like my doctor does? Like the _droid_ does?” He glanced at the droid. “Oh yes, I know about the stunrays. I know you’re supposed to stun me if I try anything.” He shot his glare back to Lando. “Do you think I’ll try anything? Are you worried that I could lapse back to the dark side if something angers me?”

“Ben . . .” Rey began.

Ben felt his breath coming out in quick pants as the words erupted out of him. “I didn’t _want_ to be saved!” he shouted, whipping his head to face Rey, who was staring at him with wide eyes. “Didn’t you _think_ about what would happen to me if I left Exegol alive? Didn’t you consider that I might not _want_ to keep living after I’d _murdered my father?”_ He couldn’t stop the tears from pooling in his eyes. “I could be _with_ my parents right now, but instead . . .” A sob broke his sentence.

Ever-so-gently, Rey took his hand, brushing his fingers. “Ben . . . I’m not going to say I’m sorry that I saved you . . . because I’m _not._ Even if you think you’ve got nothing to live for now, I still believe in you.”

There was a large lump in Ben’s throat as he stared at her, wishing briefly that they were in another universe with no Snoke and no Palpatine, a universe where he hadn’t let his fear and anger consume him, a universe where his parents were alive.

Maybe in a universe like that, they could have been happy.

“Please go,” he said, sinking back into the pillow and closing his eyes once again.

“Ben . . .”

“Please GO!”

He sensed hesitance from both Rey and Lando, which perhaps should have inflicted guilt – maybe it even _did_ inflict some guilt – but he still refused to open his eyes until he was sure they were gone.


	18. More Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo man, I struggled with this chapter. Also, there's a scene in the TROS novelization where Kylo interrogates Chewie when he's being held prisoner. I assume that was a deleted scene, so I decided to reference it here.

Ben couldn’t sleep. He’d refused the sleep aid on the grounds that it had made him feel sick this morning, but that left him staring into the darkness. It wasn’t like he was any stranger to insomnia, but his arms were still throbbing with pain from his physical therapy, which was getting annoying. He _had_ finally managed to sit up after Rey and Lando left, but that was only the first step towards regaining his strength.

That heart monitor was still beeping, beeping, beeping, which was also getting annoying. Why were the doctors still monitoring his heartbeat when he was out of the coma? Did they think his heart would spontaneously stop? Maybe it would – it wasn’t like he was an expert on what happened when people woke up from comas after being an inch away from death.

After _wanting_ to die.

“Mom? Dad?” he found himself whispering. “Can you hear me? It would be nice to dream about you again.”

There was no answer from his parents – but there _was_ that twitch in his senses. After taking a deep breath, he rolled over and sure enough, there was Rey. He could only make out her outline in the dim light tinted green from the heart monitor, but what he couldn’t see he could _sense._ She was asleep, her soft breathing soothing his ears. He closed his eyes, thinking that maybe she could lull him to sleep . . .

“No . . . no . . .”

Those words shot his eyes open.

“No . . . stop . . . don’t . . .”

Even in the dimness, he could see her body twitching in distress. Automatically, he reached out, ready to stroke her head and try to comfort her, but her next words froze his hand before it could touch her.

“Get out of my head!”

It was like he had been doused with ice water. Her words swirled in his head, slamming against his skull. The hand that was going to touch her instead pressed into his own eyes, shrouding him in the dark.

“Get out of my head!” she repeated, louder this time.

Ben rolled over to his side, facing away from her as his body started shaking, making the hospital bed creak, which made him think of prisoners shrieking during interrogations.

“No . . . stop . . . PLEASE!”

How he wanted to wake her, but what would happen if he did? If she woke up to the very face of the one who tortured her . . . no, he couldn’t do that, even though every scream pierced his soul.

“NO! NO!”

He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to stop tears from pooling in his eyes. In his mind he saw her restrained to the interrogation table, her face scrunched up as he pried her thoughts from her. Her face merged with others – Chewie, Commander Dameron, men, women, humans, non-humans, many prisoners whose names he had long forgotten, yet all cried out in pain and terror, their voices mixing with Rey’s.

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

 _Please wake up,_ his mind whispered. _Wake up, Rey, wake up!_

Still she screamed, making his heart race as if he were running for his life. “Wake up,” he whispered, his arms wrapped around himself as if that would send him back in time so he could stop himself from torturing her and everyone else. “Please Rey, wake up!”

Finally he heard her gasp and her screams subsided, though he still couldn’t bring himself to look at her. He squeezed his eyes as tightly shut as he could, willing himself to disappear from her sight, but still he felt her presence.

“Finn,” she gasped out through a sob, “it was the dream again.”

Finn. The name that stormtrooper had taken when he deserted. Now Ben saw himself back on Starkiller Base, beating the former stormtrooper into a coma and feeling nothing.

No, he hadn’t felt _nothing._

He’d felt rage, betrayal, and maybe somewhere in the back of his soul . . . _envy._

Envy that FN-2187 could get away and he couldn’t . . .

“He’s here!” Rey’s voice was short, raspy, broken.

Ben curled up into a ball as if that would hide himself from her. _Disappear,_ he thought as desperately as if he were screaming it, _disappear, disappear, disappear!_

. . .

“He’s _here?”_ Finn exclaimed. “What do you mean he’s _here?”_

Rey couldn’t answer through her sobs. She tried to concentrate on Finn’s embrace, inhale the clean smell of his pajamas, let herself dissolve into his arms and forget the dream, but even with her eyes closed, Ben’s presence drove itself into her soul. She felt sorrow flowing from him, mixing with both the nightmare of her interrogation and the actual memory of it.

“Rey?” Finn asked in a gentle voice. “You’re seeing him now? What’s he doing?”

Still Rey couldn’t answer as she sobbed into Finn’s chest, her stomach flinching at the idea that Ben was seeing her like this, yet she couldn’t stop crying.

“Please, Rey,” Finn whispered in a fearful voice, “what’s he doing?”

“N-nothing,” Rey choked out. “J-just lying there.” Lying there, yet she felt his psyche screaming _stop, stop, disappear!_ and she realized she was the reason why. A sudden wave of guilt flowed through her even though her rational mind knew she’d done nothing wrong.

“Should we leave?” Finn asked.

“N-no,” said Rey, gripping his arm as if wanting to hold him here. “If I try to get away from him the dyad will make me sick again!”

Finn apparently couldn’t think of a way to respond, since all he did was hand her some tissues. After wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, she finally gained the courage to look beyond Finn’s embrace at the former Knight of Ren. He was curled up on the floor, turned away from her, his hair mussed, his body wrapped up in the blankets as if trying to block out the cold, glowing eerily in the city lights.

Was she supposed to say something to him? Was he supposed to say something to her? _Why_ was this happening?

“Rey?” Finn asked.

Rey took a deep breath to steady herself. “Yes?”

“Would he hear me if _I_ talked to him?”

“I don’t think so. We don’t see each other’s surroundings when we join.”

Finn’s voice was shaking. “Well just in case he _can_ hear me . . .” He cleared his throat. “Ben Solo, even if you _are_ supposedly light side now, I hope Rey’s nightmares are giving _you_ nightmares because you need to see what you did to her.”

. . .

_“I hope Rey’s nightmares are giving you nightmares because you need to see what you did to her.”_

Ben heard the words in the former stormtrooper’s voice flowing from Rey’s mind, bringing a lump to his throat. Something was boiling within him – anger, grief, guilt? Maybe all of them? He concentrated on listening to his breath, his mind still shouting _disappear, disappear, disappear!_ though the Force still wouldn’t listen.

But maybe he shouldn’t be trying to disappear.

After all, the former stormtrooper’s words were true.


	19. Uncle Chewie

Chewie sat on his hotel bed, gazing down at Han’s medal in his paw. Maz had said Han would have wanted him to have it, but was it really _his?_ Of course Han had never made a will, but there was someone else who _might_ have a claim to the medal.

He shook his head, looking up out the window at the dawn over the city, knowing in his heart that it wasn’t the medal that was bothering him.

The possible rightful owner of the medal was awake. And he’d saved Rey. Yet behind his blinks, Chewie still saw the lightsaber plunging through Han and remembered the pure rage he’d felt at the realization that the one he’d long thought of as a son was dead – killed by the boy who once called him Uncle Chewie.

Yet even then, he couldn’t bring himself to kill that boy. Looking back, he realized that he’d likely missed Kylo’s heart on purpose.

_“Get your revenge for Han Solo.”_

The words Kylo had spoken before interrogating him – were they mere taunting or had he genuinely wanted Chewie to kill him? Part of Chewie had wished he would take off the mask so he could look into the eyes of the boy he’d once loved, part of him wanted to scream Wookiee obscenities at him, but once again, he couldn’t kill the one who had once called him Uncle Chewie.

Chewie squeezed the medal as if he would see Han if he squeezed hard enough. _Cub, I know you’d want me to forgive him if you were here, but how can I?_ The question hung in his mind, where he also saw Han touching his son’s cheek in the last moment of his life.

For a moment Chewie imagined himself in Han’s place and Han in Kylo’s place, Han running a lightsaber through _him._ Could he forgive if he’d been in Han’s place?

Yes, the answer came almost immediately. Yes and yes and yes, but he _wasn’t_ in Han’s place. Instead, he was the one who’d had to watch a son die at the hands of a nephew.

Should he visit Ben in the hospital?

Would Ben even want to see him?

What would they even _say_ to each other?

Again he squeezed the medal. Rey had told him about how Luke’s spirit visited her after death – did that mean Han’s spirit was still out there too? [Cub,] he growled softly, [what do you want me to do?]

It felt silly talking to empty air, yet as he pictured Han’s grinning face, in the back of his mind, for a fleeting second, his imagination – _was_ it his imagination? – silently answered in his cub’s voice.

_“Go see your nephew, pal.”_

. . .

“Ben, wake up. It’s time to take your vitals.”

Ben didn’t know when he’d finally fallen asleep, but he knew he hadn’t slept long enough, since his body was still screaming for sleep. At least he no longer sensed Rey’s presence, but he knew it would only be a matter of time before they linked again.

“Come on,” Doctor Renda pressed, “you can take a nap later, but right now we’ve got to take your vitals and get some food in you.”

Ben opened his eyes to see his doctor leaning over his legs, likely emptying his catheter as discreetly as she could. He groaned, closing his eyes again and trying not to think about the necessity of wearing a catheter in his current state or the rather uncomfortable poking in his intimate areas.

“Ben?” she repeated.

“I’m awake,” he muttered. “Let me know when you’re done down there – and make sure you sanitize your hands before touching anything else.”

It sounded like she was snickering a little. “Don’t worry, I’ve done this a million times. I’m used to it.”

Ben gritted his teeth, at least grateful that Rey wasn’t linking with him for _this._ At least the Force was gracious enough to never link them when one or the other was relieving themselves, though it _had_ linked them that one time when he was shirtless.

“All right, everything’s safe and sanitary.”

Ben opened his eyes as the doctor rolled up his hospital gown sleeve and wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his arm. “So,” he asked awkwardly, “how long will it be before I can walk to the refresher on my own?”

“That all depends,” the doctor answered as the cuff squeezed Ben’s arm to the point of near-pain. “You’ve got quite a bit of muscular atrophy and you’ll need to build your muscles up again before you’re strong enough to walk.”

“And then I can _walk_ to my trial,” he muttered.

Renda sighed as she removed the blood pressure cuff, her eyes shifting as if she didn’t know what to say, so instead of saying anything, she placed a thermometer on his forehead.

“You don’t need to shy away from the truth,” he said. “I know what’s coming once I get a clean bill of health.”

“You don’t know for _sure,”_ Renda said weakly.

“It must be hard for you,” Ben mused. “You’re supposed to care about your patients, and yet you can’t get too attached in case they die – or in my case, in case they die _after_ leaving the hospital.”

Renda sighed again, removing the thermometer. “It’s the sort of thing you learn to deal with over time.” She looked into his eyes. “But listen, you shouldn’t dwell on what _might_ happen. Focus instead on getting better.”

“So my trial can come faster,” said Ben. “So you’ll have the evil Kylo Ren out of your hair as soon as possible and you no longer have to worry that he’ll try something.”

“Ben . . .”

“You call me Ben, but you’re still afraid of _Kylo.”_ Some part of Ben could feel the doctor’s hurt, but he found that he couldn’t stop. “Maybe you’re even hoping I _will_ be executed! All those stories you’ve heard about Kylo Ren ordering entire towns destroyed, declaring himself Supreme Leader of the galaxy, even murdering his own father – yes, they’re true! I even _watched_ the fatal beam that destroyed the Hosnian system! So yes, I _should_ be executed and you’re completely right in hoping for it!”

Now she was actually trembling a little. “Ben,” she said after taking a deep breath, “I look after _all_ my patients. No matter who they are or what they did, I take care of them.”

“Yes,” Ben said bitterly, “I know about the ‘do no harm’ oath, but if you _weren’t_ bound to that oath, you’d be cheering for me to die.”

“I don’t want _anyone_ to die,” she said, keeping her voice steady though there was an edge under it. “Not you, not anyone. Believe what you want, but it’s the truth. Yes, it’s out of my hands what happens after you leave here, but while you _are_ here, I’m going to take care of you.” She handed him the datapad with the menu. “Now let’s get you some breakfast.”

. . .

What was Chewie doing here?

He swallowed as he approached the front desk, the smell of antiseptic already filling his nostrils. The pot of flowers on the desk seemed to be trying to lure people into a false sense of security before they entered the house of sickness and death. The red-haired human receptionist in the professional gray shirt smiled up at him even though she likely didn’t speak his language.

“Good afternoon,” she said. “Patient or visitor?”

[Visitor,] Chewie growled, and to his surprise she started typing into her computer without asking what he’d said. Apparently she _did_ understand him after all.

“And which patient are you visiting?” she asked.

Chewie took a deep breath.

[Ben Solo.]


	20. Dad Says Hi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter almost made me cry. I'm not kidding.

A twitch in Ben’s senses woke him from his nap, though it wasn’t the twitch that meant Rey was linking with him. No, it was the twitch of a familiar Force-signature nearby – right outside his door, in fact – giving off waves of grief, uncertainty, even fear.

He groaned as he rubbed his eyes. Why was _Chewie_ of all people coming to see him? Maybe he’d finally decided that he _did_ want the revenge he didn’t take in the interrogation room. At least a Wookiee grip breaking his neck would be a quick death. Might even be relatively painless – a moment of pain and then nothing, and he’d be spared the humiliation of a trial and being executed as a criminal.

The door slid open and Doctor Renda stepped in. “Oh, you’re awake,” she said. “Ben, you have a visitor.”

“I know,” Ben sighed. “Might as well let him in.”

The doctor gave a nod and in stepped Chewie. _Uncle_ Chewie, Ben once called him in another life. He remembered riding on the Wookiee’s shoulders, helping Chewie and Han work on the Falcon, Chewie babysitting him when both his parents were busy and taking him to the zoo and the mall, the memories of Uncle Chewie built up one after the other after the other. Part of him wanted to just leap into the Wookiee’s strong arms, but even if he were physically able, he knew he couldn’t do so.

Chewie was staring at him, maybe expecting him to say something, but what _could_ he say? What did a wayward nephew say after killing his uncle’s best friend and being responsible for two other friends’ deaths? After even invading his uncle’s mind?

“Dad says hi,” Ben finally said in an awkward voice.

[What?]

“When I was in the coma, I was awake . . . no, not really _awake,_ that’s not the right word, but I was dreaming . . . sort of, it wasn’t really that either, but in my subconscious I saw Dad – and Mom – and Dad wanted me to say hi to you.”

Chewie’s bulging eyes were apparent even with all his fur. [You mean . . . you actually talked to _him?_ You didn’t just dream about him?]

“I think,” said Ben. “I mean, it felt _different_ from a regular dream. I don’t know how to explain it, but I _felt_ him and Mom there, as strongly as I feel you here now. It felt the same when I saw him after Mom died.”

_[What??]_ Now the Wookiee looked an inch away from crying, as if Ben could connect him to Han’s spirit.

Ben swallowed, looking down at the tiny yellow flowers dotting his hospital gown. “After Mom died and Rey fled . . . he appeared to me. I wondered if I was just hallucinating, but . . .” The flowers blurred as his eyes welled up. “. . . no, I don’t know how he did it, but it was _really_ him.”

He heard Chewie give a small wail, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at the Wookiee. In his mind he saw Chewie crying out during the interrogation, filling his mind with memories that at the time had been like daggers piercing his soul. “H-he’s still _there,”_ he found himself saying, still gazing at the flowers as he wiped his eyes. “His soul _didn’t_ end when he died.”

_When YOU killed him,_ he expected Chewie to say in outrage, but instead there was silence. Ben felt waves of sadness flowing from the Wookiee, but they were mixed with a smidgen of hope.

[You’re sure it was actually him?] Chewie finally asked in a small voice.

Ben nodded, finally looking up into Chewie’s teary eyes, wishing he had the courage to hug him. “I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to you – I don’t know if he _can_ talk to you, but he’s _not_ gone.” A sniffle escaped. “I wish . . . I wish I could go back to the bridge . . . stop myself from . . .”

He broke down crying, burying his face in his hands, his mind’s eye seeing his father’s shocked, devastated face on the bridge as the lightsaber pierced his chest. Even if his soul still existed _somewhere,_ he wasn’t _here_ . . .

[Here,] Chewie said, placing a box of tissues on his lap. Ben was too clogged up to respond – he only dug into the box and blew his nose over and over, wiped his eyes over and over, but still the tears kept coming as if they were sentient and determined to escape his eyes by any means necessary.

[Ben . . .] said Chewie.

“P-please,” Ben choked out through his sobs, hardly processing that Chewie had called him by his real name, “I c-can’t bring him back, I can’t bring _any_ of them back! Yell at me if you want, shout every Wookiee curse you know, but I _still_ can’t bring him back!” He swallowed a long, thick swallow, blowing his nose yet again and crumpling the tissue in his hand. “I _want_ them back – back here, not in my dreams or subconscious or whatever the hell that was, back _here!_ Why was I so damn _weak?_ ”

He broke down in sobs again. Weak – the word the voices in his head once used to taunt him, the word he’d been determined to rise above at all costs, the word he once associated with his _parents_ – it was back and taunting him once again, but for a different reason. Maybe he was destined to never escape that word.

What might have been several minutes passed, during which his sobs faded little-by-little to be replaced with a headache and a sore throat, but still he saw his father’s face in his mind. He knew Han and Leia forgave him – he _knew_ – but how could he forgive _himself?_ For that matter, _should_ he forgive himself?

Chewie hadn’t spoken since uttering Ben’s name – he simply stared as if not knowing what to do or say, not that Ben blamed him there. He wouldn’t have blamed the Wookiee if he decided to tear his arms off or choke him to death, but that didn’t happen either.

Finally the Wookiee took hesitant steps closer to Ben’s bed, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. [I want them back too. That night . . .] He gulped. [. . . part of me _did_ want to kill you . . . but I couldn’t. I _couldn’t_ aim for your heart.]

“Maybe you _should_ have.”

[No,] Chewie said instantly, stepping closer. [I won’t tell you everything is all right because it _isn’t,_ but you’re still my nephew and nothing changes that.] With that, he actually put his large Wookiee paw on Ben’s head, ruffling his hair like he’d often done to Han, like he’d often done to Ben when he was a child.

Ben felt the tears flowing again as he absorbed the soft, warm paw of Wookiee affection. “Uncle Chewie . . .” he whispered.

[Yes,] Chewie murmured, a Wookiee sob breaking his voice. [I’m still your Uncle Chewie.]


End file.
